porcelain doll

i know it's been a while since i posted. i've just been so busy with the other facets of my life. kyle's birthday party was awesome. he didn't have to share with my niece. now i'm busy working on cam's party. he's also preparing himself for school. i know he can't wait because he already gets excited whenever he sees a school bus. he's always had a bookbag but now he carries his everywhere he goes. i'm surprised i haven't caught him sleeping in it. well my biggest news this year is that i've moved...and in so many ways. i moved out of the state and was attempting to keep it a secret. well i did for almost two months and then my boys' father and i got into in about his groupies and their nonsense and it came out. i just wish he could get himself together and figure out what it is he wants. because now he thinks he wants to live with me and the boys. but he was just talking about going down to alabama to be with his possibility baby mama and her newborn daughter. one thing i know is that i want him to just get it together because i feel as though i'm being a crutch for him always being there to bail him out of his situations. don't get me wrong, he's a great father to his boys, but i want him to also be a great influence. they look up to him more than he knows and i don't want him to miss out on any parts of their lives, but he needs to get his shit together. i asked him why he wants to move all of his things into my place when he knows we don't get along well living together. well we do until he decides it's too much for him to bear and decides to turn himself into "community" dick. and i just don't feel i can go back. especially after all this time. i know that if i do decide to go back, i need to leave the past exactly where it is. i don't have a problem doing that. it's just that i don't feel like dealing with the same groupies from his past that he decides to pick up after a two or three year hiatus and have them thinking they're his universe when in actuality they are nothing more than a break from responsibility. i can't take a break because i am Mom and we get jail time for abandoning our children and men can just do it all the time. i'm not an egg-donor so i definitely do what i have to do to make sure my boys have.
right now i have quite a bit going on. besides my book, i'm working with a dear friend of mine with her production company. this is what i feel i was born to do. this is actually what i was going to use my degree to do. and here's my chance and i'm not going to let it pass me by. i passed up modeling for school when i know now, i could've done both. i didn't have much more time remaining in school so what stopped me? thinking about how it would take away from being with my son. so here i am ten years later with another opportunity staring me in the face and i'm going to kiss it long and hard.
speaking of long and hard, i have a wonderful new friend in my life. actually he has been around for years but we are just now getting to know one another on a more personal level. i'm so enjoying being around him. i want to hold off on going too far with him until i get my boys' father completely out of my system. but i can't seem to stay away from this new man. he's like the ultimate package but we both have other situations that we need to clean up before we go there. i feel it will be well worth the wait. so for now, i'm going to just sit back and continue to enjoy our in-depth conversations and joking about nothing. i so enjoy the subliminal messages as well.
but that's my year so far in a nutshell.