fell asleep listening to butterflies...

...woke up to filthy moths.
what the fuck? i hate when my day starts off on a sour note. and this time, it's all over nothing.
why can't people just take you for your word? why is it so hard to believe when someone says they are not upset? i am not really always mad. there are just times when i need to let off a little steam. it's not like i'm doing something all humans don't do. so if reading my freakin blog gives you the impression i am always mad, don't. i am a rather upbeat person despite all that i have been thru. i could spend a lifetime telling you half the stuff. but i don't let that stuff get me down. i use that as a stepping stone to a better "me"
well you're probably wondering what the filthy moths i "woke up to" is all about. of course it's relationship issues. i'm single and going thru relationship problems. how is that you ask? well i have an unofficial "boyfriend" who in my eyes, is the bee's knees. it's just sometimes we bump heads and today was a real doozy. i'm not going to go into details about our disagreement. i am just going to say, some of the things expressed made me see him in a whole new light. hell, it made me see us in a whole new light.
the question i'm sitting here asking myself is, what do i do with this newfound discovery? *insert me putting on my thinking cap*

we eat beef over here

not long after my last post, the man called me out on a post in the Facebook group he and i are both in. someone posted an explicit photo and he tagged me in his comment asking where i was. we went back and forth and the end result was him calling me "his future" and one of the members, who happens to be a mutual friend of ours, commenting that she knew IT. he wants me to "submit" and i told him that i am not his wife. he feels i should practice. i don't need the practice. i know which battles to fight and i honestly get a kick out of rustling his feathers. he wanted me to come up to his job and chill with him. he's got to be out of his mind. i was freezing last night and he doesn't work down the street. not saying that i wouldn't do it, but right now i'm not obligated. we made plans for him to come straight "home" after work and he chose to go to the gym so now i am forced to call him out.
this is what my title is referring to. we are supposedly "beefing" according to him because i fell asleep on him the other night. what? i was tired. i'm not going to say i wasn't in the mood (I'M ALWAYS IN THE MOOD) because i was. it's just that i get so comfortable in his arms (they're so BIG), i can't help but pass out. plus, it's a scientific fact that cuddling helps for a more restful sleep.
but back to what i was saying. i already called him out and once he wakes up from his peaceful slumber, he's going to get the shock of his life. i wonder if i should tag him in the post. i do believe i will.
i'll be sure to keep you updated on the "beef" but for now, i have to get back to my writing.

why did i open my mouth

picture it, a couple weeks ago in the florida room of the house. he and i are having a few drinks and mine start to go to my head. the conversation starts to lean towards why we can't make it official. i get to blabbering about how i need to get someone out of my system. he asks if it's an ex. how about NO!! it's one of my oldest friends (no pun intended) and i promised myself if i were ever single again, i would make it my business to have this man at least twice. (i have a thing about one night stand). so he looked me in my eyes and told me to go ahead and get the guy out of my system and if he and i are meant to be, i'll find my way back to him. that response seemed a little too diplomatic to me so i just let it go. well apparently he didn't.
cut to us out to dinner the next night and he tells me i put a knife through his heart when i told him that. says he wants 100% of me. i tried convincing him he has my undivided affection, but he's not going for that. i don't have feelings for this man. i just want to fuck him. well i wanted to until it got in the way of what i have going on now.
so now i'm dealing with his snide remarks about something i said under the influence of alcohol (i know drunkards speak the truth) and he says he's letting it go. it just hurts too much to know that i want another man. but my question is...WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME THE HALL PASS TO DO IT IF YOU FELT THAT WAY???? he says that he doesn't want me thinking about being with him once we are together. the thing about it is...I DON'T. we may text every now and again and we rarely see one another. so i am at a crossroads because i have no clue what to do. somebody come rescue me.