still hurting

22 may 2011 marked the four year anniversary of my Mother passing on. i realized earlier today when i was cleaning out my inbox on my phone that a good friend of mine has the same last four digits of their phone number that my Mother had (and me sometimes when i took her phone) and i wanted to cry. i didn't because i was in the car on my way to the workit job. they already think i'm crazy and i have no intentions of letting them in on the well known secret that i'm certifiable. so i called myself sucking it up and my phone went off. i got a text message from another fantastic friend of mine asking "where u at?" and was sad to reply, "work" (i even added *pouting* for effect). so i sat at work all day bored out of my mind wondering if my friend remembered what sunday was and if he was somehow trying to console me but even if he forgot (which i doubt), he made me feel better with a simple text because i could only imagine what was in store for me had i not been at work.

i finished a book that i had been working on and was able to actually exhale when i was done. the recipient was very grateful and it only made me realize why i gave it to her in the first place. my friend luz is beyond awesome (she's one of the few people i consider a friend, remember) and i bought a book from hallmark that i was able to personalize. one of the entries that i wrote a month ago confirmed why i cherish her so much. she reminds me so much of my own Mother the way she doesn't judge me despite knowing so much about me. she offers her opinion in a non-invasive way and that only makes me cherish her even more.

so i want to take this opportunity to thank the two of you for taking the sting off the hurt i'm feeling over losing my first best friend. i heart you both to pieces.

i love music

i received "boomerang" as a gift recently and have always loved this sensual remix of the song. toni braxton is in my list of faves

my awesome stepson

i am not one who trusts easy. that is due mainly to a long term relationship with someone who repeatedly hurt me followed by another relationship with someone who knew all of the hurts i experienced with that person and they tried the same things. i'm not dwelling on those situations. i just want you to understand why i feel the way i do about relationships. i have no problem meeting new people but i have a tendency of shutting down when someone tries to get close to me.
i have a really good friend who i also like to think of as my "stepson" because i joke all the time about stealing his Father from his Mother. he came to visit me yesterday after working on his car. he knows how much i love the smell of grease. don't judge me. but we had a nice conversation and after he left, i felt so good. talking to him always makes me feel better no matter what we talk about. past conversations have mainly been about my ex but we eased away from those and talked mostly about cars. he's one of the few people who are in my :circle of trust" and i'm so glad to have him in my life. not like he'll ever read this, but i just want to say thank you for making my week end on a high note.

i can't wait to hate you

you are something else. you know that? how do i get you out of my system? i guess i don't since i feel like i'm cheating on you when someone treats me to a night out. what was i supposed to do? turn down my long time friend because of someone i'm not with? this guy is different because he likes me. he really likes me and has for quite some time. he read a status of mine on ye olde book and came to my rescue. he made me laugh and forget all about the crap i griped about on the book. and he fed me.
so why did i feel bad? after he left and i went to pick up my ex Mother by law, i sat up recapping the evening and sent him a thank you text. it hit me that you used to be the person i sent thank you texts to and that's what made me feel bad. so you call today after i say i'm done with you and i'm right back where i started. why can't i just hate you and get it over with? we'll see if you do a better job at being the old you like you said you would because you apparently miss me (so you say).