merry-go-round

and now i'm getting off.

i can't believe i almost allowed you to have power over me once again. what the fuck was i thinking? i kept my phone off just so that you wouldn't be able to call me. what? that's just madness!! i have got to be more careful. it's my phone. i choose who i want to answer the muthafucka for. and since you never call me that early in the morning, why would i bother answering? i wouldn't answer for anybody that early in the morning. you're not my responsibility anymore. i'm not obligated to answer the phone for you. i pay the bill. even if you did pay the bill, i still can pick and choose who and when i want to answer MY phone.
ok. so what. i wasn't at home. it's none of your business where i was. even if it was just my sister's house. that's my business!!!
i know this happened over a week ago. it's just that i am realizing today that i gave him power that he doesn't deserve and now i'm taking it back. it's a vicious cycle. i am not that cold of a person that i just turn my back on people because his well-being does matter to me. i want him to be happy. i just don't understand why he can't return the favor. it's tiring. that's what it is. i'm not going to sit around stressing about his feelings and how he would react to a situation when he doesn't reciprocate. i just can not do it. doing it is a waste of energy and i barely have enough of it as is. i'm done with this. i can't be your friend anymore because you don't return the favor. you call me and gripe about your girl and i listen. i don't offer up my opinion unless you ask. but you can't bear to hear me say i met someone new. or that i'm considering trying a new relationship. you want to get all huffy and catch an attitude. what's that all about?
i am in the process of ordering my new phone. this time i'm getting one that can block individual phone numbers. i refuse to change my number (again) just to keep you from calling me because i am just going to give it to you eventually. so for the time being, just consider yourself blocked when my phone gets here. when i feel like you are deserving of any of my time, then i'll unblock you and we can be associates. that's as far as it will go. i've tried being that listening ear because i care but i can no longer care. it only interferes with MY LIFE. and you're not considerate enough to think about how your actions affect me.