in other news

well, well, well, well, well...my life is doing a jig with all of my plans. well the wedding didn't go as planned. the groom had to have surgery and it was postponed until next year. now i have two weddings to attend in a two week period. i don't mind. just gives me time to get other things in order. i was invited to move to atlanta and i would go if i could convince a certain someone to make that move with me. the thing about it is that it's not who you think it is. speaking of moving, the co-parent moved to the bama for a few months. said he was going to get some things in order. i was really hoping he would find some comfort there and work things out, but he didn't. maybe next time. i've been doing a lot of editing of my manuscript. i'm working on another new year for myself this coming friday. i don't know what i'm going to do. i'm sure the mr has something planned. i do know i'm going to kick it saturday with my twin. he asked me last month what i had planned because we haven't partied since our 30th birthday and he wants to do it big this year. i'm all for it. i already have my sitter lined up. great way to start my new year.
things with the mr have been kinda lemon lately. and by lemon, i mean sour. guess i am not good at recovering from betrayal. i thought i had changed, but i see i'm still the same old me i was before whenever i am betrayed. oh well. guess i wasn't meant to do the whole "making it official" thing anytime soon. i just want to wake up one morning knowing i'm ecstatic about my place in life and right now i'm not feeling that way. i need to get back to me.
a lot of the stuff i've done in the past seven years has to come to a cease in order for me to get back to me. i noticed i can't be there for others the way i have in the past. it doesn't pay to be someone's emergency contact when they can't return the favor when you need them. so now my 911 contact is me. i am the only person i can truly rely on.
i have to get back to the real world so i will try to write again (and more in depth) later.

ba humbug

this post has nothing to do with christmas. i just have a thing about titles. and don't feel bad because i have that issue regarding more than just blog post. so i guess i should start by letting you all know i'm ready to take flight. no i'm not on an effing plane. i'm ready to change my environment in the real world. i am honestly giving it until august of next year before i make my move. i want to be somewhere hot, without any of the disasters that come along with it. so no hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanoes or other mother nature pms'ing all over the masses.
speaking of leaving, i got the speech from a certain individual that i would be hunted down if i pick up and leave without discussing it with them first. that was a great laugh he provided me with, i must say. he obviously doesn't know who he's dealing with. i suggest he check my background. my friendboy doesn't call me the runaway bride for no reason. i will pick up and leave on your ass faster than you can blink a freakin eye. but enough about him because this is my post.
i just wanted to write because i've been feeling some kinda way and nothing else i do seem to help. i tried everything from eating to meditating to fetish and nothing works. okay. you caught that fetish thing, huh? well let's just keep that between us for now. but in the real world, i think i might enjoy it more than i should. so we're going to see how it plays  out. but for real, for real it's what i'm doing to get my mind off some of the madness that is my life...at least for a few hours. plus my partner is one of the coolest people i have EVER come in contact with. makes me kinda upset we didn't do this years ago in college.
well i've done enough rambling for now. plus i have to prepare for a night out with the mr and i don't want to get wrapped up in writing. lata gata!!

that my dear, is quite elementary

alright. so i'm sitting here with the Mr. discussing what we dislike about one another and he basically told me i'm taciturn. okay. so he didn't use that exact term (i'm quite sure he would ask me the meaning if i used the term in a conversation), but the summation of me pretty much said it. i know i keep the bulk of my thoughts to myself. that's because i would probably be in jail or dead if i divulged all of them. but he says i keep everything bottled up and then i explode. oh no i don't. i speak my mind. people just choose to ignore it because i don't come off with the neck snapping and other ridiculousness associated with someone expressing their discontent with something. i may just mention it "in passing" to see if the other party picks up on it. if they don't, then i know i have to "dumb it down" when i bring it up again. i will admit, i do take my time letting someone in on my knowledge of a lot of things, but again, i call myself giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and figure they will come right out and tell me instead of me having to read between the lines or dig deeper into their side of the story. i am not an "i told you so" type of person, but my inner little miss knowitall does a victory dance whenever the moment arises. and it has arisen quite a few times. just recently she's burned a few calories dancing around because of people in my world. i write this post tonight because i truly don't believe i don't mention not once my dislike for something someone does (or doesn't) and just outright goes clean off. nope. not me. i will give you an opportunity to rectify any situation with me before i spout off expletives or evidence of my findings to contradict what you've been saying. as for my feelings, i think it is best for me to keep those to myself under lock and key...for now. i will continue to be reticent in his eyes.

change in dynamic

have you ever had the tables turn on you so fast that you thought you felt the turn literally? well even if it's never happened to you, i would recommend you brace yourself for some real live rollercoaster type sickness. you're probably wondering what this is all about. i wrote a story about it, here goes...
the unofficial Mr. came in last night on some real world madness. there were turkey sandwiches and reese cups flying everywhere. okay. not everywhere so much as on the back porch. but you should have seen that turkey sandwich this morning. it looked balled up for real. so he gets to going into his spiel about how he's been fucking up and i've been nothing but the best to him. so his way of proving he hasn't been sexually involved with anyone was to have me go through his phone. i declined because i knew no good could come of it but he insisted. let me just tell you it was all bad. i wanted to hurt him for real, but he decided to go to sleep instead. how tempted was i to slap the shit out of him like the last one...VERY!!! but i held out. instead i sat up all night long coming up with a way to call things off with him as civil as possible. he woke up with no recollection of anything that transpired and i held out on divulging his secrets in his phone. he was just told about the food fight and socks coming offerization. i left out of the room and while i was out; he took it upon himself to go through my phone. i'll admit i was texting my sub after everything went down. even mentioned my desire to take the Mr.'s car and go have fun with him. i held off on going to see the sub because i still had some thinking to do. plus i was afraid i may hurt my sub had i gone out there last night. that's just how angry i was. but that wasn't what he called himself pissed about. he read my thread to lyndon and went berzerk. acting all upset that i invited lyndon to goldie's party this weekend. i didn't mention his scheduled date today with "little miss whoever" to go see r. kelly, but he just kept talking about how bogus i am because i was making these plans on the 13th (around the same time he was making his plans to see r). so i eventually let him know he showed me everything and he just stopped. wanted to know what i saw and asked for proof. i mentioned one word and he looked like he wanted to cry. he just started apologizing all over again.
i still don't know how i feel about all of this. i wasn't all too sure about having lyndon come to goldie's party, but now i think i should. it would serve him right. we all know i'm not about to do the tit for tat game. i'd rather leave than play games. so i'm teetering on the fence trying to decide whether i should continue. i'm trying not to base my decision off past experience, but i'd be stupid not to.
so now i sit, contemplating...

where do i start?

i was on one of the popular social networks yesterday about to wish a former coworker a happy birthday and found out she had passed away earlier this year. i didn't know how to react to this because she was younger than me (by a year), but we had just corresponded around christmas and i had no clue she was as ill as she was. apparently she slipped into a coma at the beginning of the year and was gone not long after. this saddened me and i didn't know why it affected me. then when i was asleep, i realized it was closer to me than i thought. she has three daughters and battled diabetes. i remember how she used to inject her insulin at work and i was always wondering if she was okay even though i was dealing with my own health issues.
despite our names sounding alike, we both had a positive disposition despite our ailments. you would have never thought by looking at us that i had one kidney and she had diabetes and a failing heart. i flatlined seven years ago and GOD saw fit to send me back to my family and newborn son. i knew it wasn't a mistake and made myself a promise i would change my thinking. i used to think i was doomed because i had one kidney and was back and forth in and out of the hospital. that was until "i walked towards the light" and was turned back. now i hear all the time about how i am always smiling and people could never tell just by looking at me that I'm sick. well since it's not a matter of public record, there's no need for me to go around announcing it.
but, back to yesterday. seeing that tawanda had passed on made me think of me and luz. we do this thing called life despite our sicknesses and have the hardest time trying to get people to understand why we're not always in the mood to be cheerful. it's not that we aren't happy. we just can't be the "cheerleader" all the time. there are days when i just want to stay in bed all day, but i can't. i have to be a mother and i don't get a vacay from that job. the co-parent says he's going to come get the boys, but never shows. i don't let it get to me. i just continue to do what i do because i'm all my boys have to count on right now. i said a quick prayer for tawanda and her girls. i'm sure they are in good hands because she and her mom were very close.
where does this leave me? as always, i'm thinking. this time i'm thinking that i should make it my business to be better about keeping in touch with my friends. speaking of, some very important people have birthdays coming up!!! let me get my act together. lata gata.

tables turned

i try to be understanding when a guy says, "i'm not that other guy who hurt you. i"m different. so there's no reason for you to have your guard up when it comes to me." you're right. you are not the guy who hurt me, but you should chew your own words before you spit them out because i am not the chick who hurt you. and don't act like you've never been hurt before. because had you not, you wouldn't run around like some playboy trying to tag as much ass as you possibly can. and don't give me that mess about 'not being ready to commit again because you did that before and it didn't work out for you' line because that one is mine. so the chick before me cheated on you and left you high and dry! that doesn't mean i'm going to do the same thing. i have more respect for myself than to bed hop. if i am not happy with you, i will leave, period. i have too many things running through my head as is than to try to come up with and maintain a lie to you about being with someone else. i do have a life outside of 'me and you' and i'm not going to stop living it because i'm with you. that's what makes me interesting and i will be damned if i lose my identity trying to conform to this ideal 'mate' for you.
well i guess i should get to the point of my title. i'm just babbling because lately it seems the tables have turned and guys are feeling the wrath of non-chalant women who have been fucked over by guys and girls alike and choose to let that hurt dictate their way of being. hell, if i did that; my life woould have been dramastically different twelve years ago when i experienced being cheated on for the first time. i simply took notes from the lesson and kept living my life. i'm not going to sit here and say "i dropped that man like a hot pot" because i didn't. how was i supposed to know what i should do? i had never  experienced that and it did hurt. but i also got over the hurt.
i guess the moral of this story is to practice what you preach because you can't expect me to not feel like you're going to be a lying, cheating snake like the last guy if you think i'm going to be a lying, cheating cumdumpster like the last chick. can't we both start with a clean slate?

fell asleep listening to butterflies...

...woke up to filthy moths.
what the fuck? i hate when my day starts off on a sour note. and this time, it's all over nothing.
why can't people just take you for your word? why is it so hard to believe when someone says they are not upset? i am not really always mad. there are just times when i need to let off a little steam. it's not like i'm doing something all humans don't do. so if reading my freakin blog gives you the impression i am always mad, don't. i am a rather upbeat person despite all that i have been thru. i could spend a lifetime telling you half the stuff. but i don't let that stuff get me down. i use that as a stepping stone to a better "me"
well you're probably wondering what the filthy moths i "woke up to" is all about. of course it's relationship issues. i'm single and going thru relationship problems. how is that you ask? well i have an unofficial "boyfriend" who in my eyes, is the bee's knees. it's just sometimes we bump heads and today was a real doozy. i'm not going to go into details about our disagreement. i am just going to say, some of the things expressed made me see him in a whole new light. hell, it made me see us in a whole new light.
the question i'm sitting here asking myself is, what do i do with this newfound discovery? *insert me putting on my thinking cap*