same script, different cast

i was talking to a friend of mine whom i've known for twelve years and he mentioned that he has had the biggest crush on me all this time. you could have knocked me over with a feather when he said it because i had no idea. i always looked at him as a play brother and wouldn't have thought in a thousand years he had feelings for me. so we're talking and he keeps mentioning how he would make it his business to come to family gatherings because he was told i would be there only to get upset because i brought "my guy with the monte carlo." i found myself apologizing for something i really wasn't doing on purpose. not that i would have not brought my "guy" at that time, but i would have at least tried to steer clear of him so that he doesn't get upset. but as we are talking (and i remind him that my "guy" with the mc shares his name), i come to find that's not all they have in common. they both have an ex-girlfriend with the same name and are the same age. not to mention when i started dealing with my ex, he was going thru a similar situation as my long time friend is experiencing. so as we laugh and joke about everything under the sun i sit and wonder if it would be foolish of me to take things any further. right now i'm enjoying the single life and the company of an awesome man that i almost placed on the back burner for someone who, in the end, just didn't want to see me happy with someone else. i think i'm going to continue being just friends with this new cast member until he gets everything straightened out and in the meantime continue the awesome action/adventure i'm starring in with Mr. Incredible.

Chrisette Michele

i am a lover of all music but lately i've been in the mood to listen to my chrisette michele cd's. in my opinion, she is a real singer. her music touches you and brings out emotions you didn't know were buried. i can listen to any cd of hers from start to finish. kinda upset i missed the concert when she came to my city. it's ok. i'll see her live one of these days.
the song "notebook" reminds me of myself because i am forever writing in my journal and although i'm usually writing about my daily life, it usually includes my thoughts of him. so yes, i write in my "notebook" the day i bought the epiphany cd, this song became a fave of mine because it describes my own actions.
so miss michele can definitely consider me a lifelong fan because any cd she drops will be in my collection. can't wait until 30 november 2010

"all of my friends are dead and on money"

i realized a long time ago what my Father meant when he would say that. but i can honestly say, i do have a few friends who aren't on money. i'm not the nicest person to everyone (ok. i'm not nice to anyone), but there are people that i enjoy spending time with.
one friend in particular i've known for fourteen years. she and i can go months without speaking and will pick up right where we left off when we do get in touch. that's my girl and i think the world of her. she and i have had our ups and downs (mostly over her giving her advice about the loser i was with at the time) but thru it all i love her for it. she's a few years older than me so it took me a while to see she was trying to keep from from making the same mistakes she may have made. i just wish i would've listened to her instead of being mad at her doing what a friend was supposed to do. so here's to you, LynLisa...I LOVE YOU!! i hate that we don't talk the way we used to but when we do, i cherish those times.
my best girlfriend Santrise the Masterpiece is my counterpart. we are the same astrological sign so we get each other. not once have we had a disagreement in over eleven years and i doubt we will ever have one. she has my back and i have hers. although her favorite color is pink and i despise the color, she's the best. I LOVE YOU MASTERPIECE!!!
i've always been the girl to have a closer friendship with guys than girls (maybe growing up with five sisters has something to do with it) so it's no surprise that my best friend at the moment is an awesome man. what can i say about him besides "HE'S THE BEST" imagine knowing someone that you know you can never get mad at because that's how it is. he knows all the right things to say and just hearing his voice makes me smile. so this goes out to you, Cas...YOU'RE THE EFFIN BEST!!!
i recently got back in touch with my best friend from high school, J. B. Mills and he is of course a guy. we were inseparable in school and now i'm glad that we have gotten back in touch thanx to the wonders of cyberspace. so to one of the first men outside of family that i ever truly loved...THANK YOU JAY BAY for showing me at a tender age what a great guy is.
can't forget about my Johnny aka Remix. although you have the same name as one of my mortal enemies, you have always been respectful and sweet. i love that you have placed me on a pedestal and never let me fall. keep the long talks and great advice coming. I HEART YOU TO LIFE!!!
they say everybody has a twin somewhere in the universe and i believe i have been fortunate to meet mine. that would be my ACE Luz aka Light. she is so totally the mexican version of me. we have way too much in common and i know that we will be friends until the end of time. i can see us now as old ladies still just as fiery as ever and not taking shit from anybody. so a toast to mi hermana. I LOVE YOU!!
last but not least is my bestie Nathaniel. i don't know what i would have done these past two years without you. i call you Nate the Great because that's what you are. i know i've only told you once but I LOVE YOU more than you can imagine and i really can't imagine my life without you.

another year older

with my birthday coming up, i realize i'm spent most of the last year making sure others are comfortable and not taken enough "ME TIME" so i'm going on a trip. my best friend is coming out here the week before my birthday and then the week after i'm going to escape from the madness. i changed my shift at work and my living arrangements and i think i just need a real break from it all. i was told that my destination depends on how much i want to spend but right about now, i may just send my boys away and stay at home to ensure i don't stay gone. because in all honesty, that's what i want to do. iowa is beckoning me to come back and right now if i go somewhere, i'll make sure i get comfortable enough to want to stay. so i guess the only thing for me to do at this point is decide if i want to stay or go. there is really not much holding me back. so for now, only time will tell.

please shut the eff up!!!

i am so sick of hearing people bitch and moan about petty shit. i work for a company in customer service and all day long i have to listen to people cry about stuff that is a luxury. what ticks me off is people scream and yell (most of them swear. i've even had some cry) and then they have the audacity to say "no offense to you, but i'm just mad" well for the freakin record, IT IS OFFENSIVE TO ME to be yelled at and called out of my name for something that i have no control over. i don't make the prices for the products and i surely can't create a special price just for you because you want everything that we offer but you only want to pay the price we charge for a little bit of the products. i can't yell and curse back at you so why would you do this. i can understand a slip up every now and again when you're talking in a calm voice because i've found myself slipping in a curse word every now and again when i'm on the phone handling business, but i don't just start the conversation ranting and raving. these things don't get anything accomplished and i like to make that fact known when i'm speaking with these belligerent individuals. i doubt they would appreciate someone coming into their place of work and yelling obscenities and calling them out of their name (at least pronounce my name right when you're gonna try to curse me out). i guess i'm done bitching and moaning to cyberspace for now. i think i'll recommend a day that we can talk back to the customers the same way they talk to us (sans the curse words) because that would probably deter some of the madness we go thru at work.

Eminem - Won't Back Down ft. Pink (Recovery w/ links)

i am a huge fan of Eminem, Slim Shady, Marshall Mathers. it doesn't matter what he calls himself. and this is just one of the many reasons why i will forever be a fan.

i love my job...the company, not so much

not very many people i run across say they love their job, but i do. i just don't like the company that i work for anymore. i spend seven hours a day on the phone bargaining with people to spend more money in a time when they are all complaining about their finances being low. i just feel like the morale at work altogether isn't the same. we used to have fun at work and now it seems as if we are on a new generation, plantation. now i haven't worked a scheduled monday in over four years and now i find that i may have to start working mondays. do they not understand i have a process going here? so i may cut down to a four day work week. the Mr. says he'll handle things on the homefront and make sure dinner is cooked every night when i go to work. i do believe his idea of a cooked meal is pizza or wack donald's. so i'm at a crossroads because i could always switch companies, but i get another week of vacation in five months. and i don't feel like starting over again with some new company. only time will tell.

my fab baker boys

i'm at work missing my boys and their father is kind enough to text me throughout the day to give me updates on their activities. it's sweet because he knows i am stuck on the phone all day at work bargaining so i don't have an opportunity to call and talk to them like i want. today he was about to cook the boys lunch and my 2 year old told him that he wants "Mommy to cook his food for him." i asked what he did to my baby to make him turn down food. that's so not the chunky meat's style. he told me that he has him doing pushups and sit ups instead of eating. how mean can you be? i knew it was a joke, but i could only imagine his little pudgy self trying to do a push up in order to eat. now my five year old is going thru his "i want to go to work" with you stage (come to think of it, the Mr asked about a "bring your mate to work day" this morning. now that was funny) and asking why i have to work. this just makes me want to get on my square and get this book finished so that i can sit back and reap the benefits of being an at home Mom. but then again, i do always want to get a break from home life. all of the fab baker boys are going thru Mommy withdrawal so i guess i have to take a break soon to give them their Mommy fix. how long do i stay off this time. we'll see.

i'm just a phone call away

i have started a rewrite of my book and it brought out a lot of things that i forgot i experienced during my younger years. i guess this is really a form of therapy for me because i realized i have always had an awesome friend in my corner who was there no matter what time, day or night, to listen to me gripe about whatever craziness was going on in my life at the time. my best friend in high school, jason, started the trend. and now i have my Ace, luz, who is like the best thing since the hybrid car.she and i are so much alike, i think we were twins in a former life. heck, we're twins now. we just got separated somewhere, somehow. just glad we found our way to one another. i just want to thank you both for helping me to evolve into this awesome being that i am. I LOVE BOTH OF YOU dearly.

i thought we were all grown

ok. i woke up this morning before the rooster and got to work on my book. i was on a roll and then my newfound roommate came in the room talking about how i can't write a tell all because people are going to sue me. that made me laugh because anybody i'm telling all about wouldn't even know i'm talking about them since i don't fuck with them. so i told him that i'm gonna write my book and i don't care who has something to say about it. so then he starts asking me about all of my pages that i have online. so i started talking about my twitter and facebook pages and he brought up my blog. apparently one of his groupies told him that i have a blog and offered to pull it up for him so that he can read it. my thing is...IT'S MY FUCKING BLOG!!! i don't care who reads it. the thing is, why do you continue to run and tell him what i'm posting on the internet and leaving out your negative ass remarks about him. oh well. maybe one of these days i'll pull out my printed copies of the shit they posted for him to read himself. maybe that will solve my not so problem problem with these snitch asss hoes!! that's it in a nutshell.

the Mr.

ok. so i moved over three months ago and just decided to tell my sons' father a little over a month ago. ever since he has been asking me when he should bring his things over. whoa!!! when did all of this take place? we are not a couple and according to you, you are single and you're gonna stay that way. so this past monday i'm at his hpuse washing my clothes and one of his groupies calls (she doesn't know that she's in a one-sided relationship) and gets upset that i'm at his house. sweetie, don't get upset. he and i don't get down like that. hell i just walked in on him in bed with another girl (who wasn't you) and didn't bother me one bit. i know what he's all about and i don't have time to be claiming "community dick" as mine. so they get into a heated argument over lil ole me and i honestly found it funny. so now you get a taste of what i had to go thru 2 years ago when he and i were a couple and he was sneaking around with your dumb ass. but the difference is i don't want himlike that. well fast forward to me heading home and i get a call from my boys' father stating he needs me to come get him (not from jail like i thought) from home because he's gotten into it with his "father" and they need time apart. this is your father and not one of your many groupies. but since i'm what you really consider a "ride or die" bitch i went to get him and took himto my house. and so far it's been cool with us, but we'll see how long this works out. and by the way...WE ARE JUST FRIENDS!!!

porcelain doll

i know it's been a while since i posted. i've just been so busy with the other facets of my life. kyle's birthday party was awesome. he didn't have to share with my niece. now i'm busy working on cam's party. he's also preparing himself for school. i know he can't wait because he already gets excited whenever he sees a school bus. he's always had a bookbag but now he carries his everywhere he goes. i'm surprised i haven't caught him sleeping in it. well my biggest news this year is that i've moved...and in so many ways. i moved out of the state and was attempting to keep it a secret. well i did for almost two months and then my boys' father and i got into in about his groupies and their nonsense and it came out. i just wish he could get himself together and figure out what it is he wants. because now he thinks he wants to live with me and the boys. but he was just talking about going down to alabama to be with his possibility baby mama and her newborn daughter. one thing i know is that i want him to just get it together because i feel as though i'm being a crutch for him always being there to bail him out of his situations. don't get me wrong, he's a great father to his boys, but i want him to also be a great influence. they look up to him more than he knows and i don't want him to miss out on any parts of their lives, but he needs to get his shit together. i asked him why he wants to move all of his things into my place when he knows we don't get along well living together. well we do until he decides it's too much for him to bear and decides to turn himself into "community" dick. and i just don't feel i can go back. especially after all this time. i know that if i do decide to go back, i need to leave the past exactly where it is. i don't have a problem doing that. it's just that i don't feel like dealing with the same groupies from his past that he decides to pick up after a two or three year hiatus and have them thinking they're his universe when in actuality they are nothing more than a break from responsibility. i can't take a break because i am Mom and we get jail time for abandoning our children and men can just do it all the time. i'm not an egg-donor so i definitely do what i have to do to make sure my boys have.
right now i have quite a bit going on. besides my book, i'm working with a dear friend of mine with her production company. this is what i feel i was born to do. this is actually what i was going to use my degree to do. and here's my chance and i'm not going to let it pass me by. i passed up modeling for school when i know now, i could've done both. i didn't have much more time remaining in school so what stopped me? thinking about how it would take away from being with my son. so here i am ten years later with another opportunity staring me in the face and i'm going to kiss it long and hard.
speaking of long and hard, i have a wonderful new friend in my life. actually he has been around for years but we are just now getting to know one another on a more personal level. i'm so enjoying being around him. i want to hold off on going too far with him until i get my boys' father completely out of my system. but i can't seem to stay away from this new man. he's like the ultimate package but we both have other situations that we need to clean up before we go there. i feel it will be well worth the wait. so for now, i'm going to just sit back and continue to enjoy our in-depth conversations and joking about nothing. i so enjoy the subliminal messages as well.
but that's my year so far in a nutshell.

edward kyle

is my chunky little one year old who, along with his brothers, is the highlight of my day. he's going on two and we're counting down the days until his big day. well today is my sister's birthday and we called to wish her a happy one. kyle refuses to accept this fact and proceeds to argue with her that it's all about his birthday. he eventually got mad and hung up. but now i'm trying to figure out how ge's gonna deal with the fact that he shares his birthday with one of his cousins. now last year, he had his 1st birthday party by himself. but my sister and i were considering giving them a party together (it only makes sense) this year. after seeing the way he reacted to my sister's birthday this morning, i'm starting to reconsider. i don't want him to have an angry baker moment and lash out at the party because he has to share. so i feel the plans are going to change until he gets a little older. i'm just hoping my niece understands because she was all geared to have her party with him. i can't wait for him to see his cake. he's the baby snackmaster so he loves cake.

Wise Words

I was driving earlier with my boys and their father and out of nowhere he said 'if opportunity isn't knocking, build a door.' i couldn't believe what i had heard because it seemed to have been just what i needed to hear at the time. we talked a while about the quote and after our conversation came to an end (actually he just went into the restaurant to pick up his food), i sat in silence pondering. what if i want more than one opportunity to knock? does this mean i have to build multiple doors? how about i build a whole building so that the opportunities just continue to flow? so now i've come to the conclusion i'm going to get my opportunities to come a knockin. i just want to thank you, mr. edward baker, for inspiring me in a way that you will never know.

Is it really a Happy New Year?

I've come to the conclusion that i do love him. i've tried to avoid it, but it hit me last night as i laid alone in my bed. of all the people i wish i could've been with at the stroke of midnight (besides my boys) it's him. so now that i made the resolution to stop sacrificing as much and taking what i want, i guess the next step is to tell him. the thing is i don't feel like facing change right now. i told myself with the crash of my last "relationship" that i refuse to go that route again. i just don't want to end up bitter. i'm not there yet, but i feel that my breaking point is drawing near. and it's not that i hold grudges or bring baggage from my previous situation to the next. it's just that after three "relationships" that have spanned over a total of 15 years, one gets tired of being in a one-sided situation. now back to the man i'm loving right now. i just don't see it going in the same direction the last ones went. but then again, i saw those going differently also. i ask myself all the time why i didn't run into him years ago when we were both in the same place. but i guess i had to go thru my trials and tribulations in order for him to restore my faith. this is another reason why i love him. i can't wait to be able to finally tell him.