ba humbug

this post has nothing to do with christmas. i just have a thing about titles. and don't feel bad because i have that issue regarding more than just blog post. so i guess i should start by letting you all know i'm ready to take flight. no i'm not on an effing plane. i'm ready to change my environment in the real world. i am honestly giving it until august of next year before i make my move. i want to be somewhere hot, without any of the disasters that come along with it. so no hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanoes or other mother nature pms'ing all over the masses.
speaking of leaving, i got the speech from a certain individual that i would be hunted down if i pick up and leave without discussing it with them first. that was a great laugh he provided me with, i must say. he obviously doesn't know who he's dealing with. i suggest he check my background. my friendboy doesn't call me the runaway bride for no reason. i will pick up and leave on your ass faster than you can blink a freakin eye. but enough about him because this is my post.
i just wanted to write because i've been feeling some kinda way and nothing else i do seem to help. i tried everything from eating to meditating to fetish and nothing works. okay. you caught that fetish thing, huh? well let's just keep that between us for now. but in the real world, i think i might enjoy it more than i should. so we're going to see how it plays  out. but for real, for real it's what i'm doing to get my mind off some of the madness that is my life...at least for a few hours. plus my partner is one of the coolest people i have EVER come in contact with. makes me kinda upset we didn't do this years ago in college.
well i've done enough rambling for now. plus i have to prepare for a night out with the mr and i don't want to get wrapped up in writing. lata gata!!

that my dear, is quite elementary

alright. so i'm sitting here with the Mr. discussing what we dislike about one another and he basically told me i'm taciturn. okay. so he didn't use that exact term (i'm quite sure he would ask me the meaning if i used the term in a conversation), but the summation of me pretty much said it. i know i keep the bulk of my thoughts to myself. that's because i would probably be in jail or dead if i divulged all of them. but he says i keep everything bottled up and then i explode. oh no i don't. i speak my mind. people just choose to ignore it because i don't come off with the neck snapping and other ridiculousness associated with someone expressing their discontent with something. i may just mention it "in passing" to see if the other party picks up on it. if they don't, then i know i have to "dumb it down" when i bring it up again. i will admit, i do take my time letting someone in on my knowledge of a lot of things, but again, i call myself giving everyone the benefit of the doubt and figure they will come right out and tell me instead of me having to read between the lines or dig deeper into their side of the story. i am not an "i told you so" type of person, but my inner little miss knowitall does a victory dance whenever the moment arises. and it has arisen quite a few times. just recently she's burned a few calories dancing around because of people in my world. i write this post tonight because i truly don't believe i don't mention not once my dislike for something someone does (or doesn't) and just outright goes clean off. nope. not me. i will give you an opportunity to rectify any situation with me before i spout off expletives or evidence of my findings to contradict what you've been saying. as for my feelings, i think it is best for me to keep those to myself under lock and key...for now. i will continue to be reticent in his eyes.

change in dynamic

have you ever had the tables turn on you so fast that you thought you felt the turn literally? well even if it's never happened to you, i would recommend you brace yourself for some real live rollercoaster type sickness. you're probably wondering what this is all about. i wrote a story about it, here goes...
the unofficial Mr. came in last night on some real world madness. there were turkey sandwiches and reese cups flying everywhere. okay. not everywhere so much as on the back porch. but you should have seen that turkey sandwich this morning. it looked balled up for real. so he gets to going into his spiel about how he's been fucking up and i've been nothing but the best to him. so his way of proving he hasn't been sexually involved with anyone was to have me go through his phone. i declined because i knew no good could come of it but he insisted. let me just tell you it was all bad. i wanted to hurt him for real, but he decided to go to sleep instead. how tempted was i to slap the shit out of him like the last one...VERY!!! but i held out. instead i sat up all night long coming up with a way to call things off with him as civil as possible. he woke up with no recollection of anything that transpired and i held out on divulging his secrets in his phone. he was just told about the food fight and socks coming offerization. i left out of the room and while i was out; he took it upon himself to go through my phone. i'll admit i was texting my sub after everything went down. even mentioned my desire to take the Mr.'s car and go have fun with him. i held off on going to see the sub because i still had some thinking to do. plus i was afraid i may hurt my sub had i gone out there last night. that's just how angry i was. but that wasn't what he called himself pissed about. he read my thread to lyndon and went berzerk. acting all upset that i invited lyndon to goldie's party this weekend. i didn't mention his scheduled date today with "little miss whoever" to go see r. kelly, but he just kept talking about how bogus i am because i was making these plans on the 13th (around the same time he was making his plans to see r). so i eventually let him know he showed me everything and he just stopped. wanted to know what i saw and asked for proof. i mentioned one word and he looked like he wanted to cry. he just started apologizing all over again.
i still don't know how i feel about all of this. i wasn't all too sure about having lyndon come to goldie's party, but now i think i should. it would serve him right. we all know i'm not about to do the tit for tat game. i'd rather leave than play games. so i'm teetering on the fence trying to decide whether i should continue. i'm trying not to base my decision off past experience, but i'd be stupid not to.
so now i sit, contemplating...

where do i start?

i was on one of the popular social networks yesterday about to wish a former coworker a happy birthday and found out she had passed away earlier this year. i didn't know how to react to this because she was younger than me (by a year), but we had just corresponded around christmas and i had no clue she was as ill as she was. apparently she slipped into a coma at the beginning of the year and was gone not long after. this saddened me and i didn't know why it affected me. then when i was asleep, i realized it was closer to me than i thought. she has three daughters and battled diabetes. i remember how she used to inject her insulin at work and i was always wondering if she was okay even though i was dealing with my own health issues.
despite our names sounding alike, we both had a positive disposition despite our ailments. you would have never thought by looking at us that i had one kidney and she had diabetes and a failing heart. i flatlined seven years ago and GOD saw fit to send me back to my family and newborn son. i knew it wasn't a mistake and made myself a promise i would change my thinking. i used to think i was doomed because i had one kidney and was back and forth in and out of the hospital. that was until "i walked towards the light" and was turned back. now i hear all the time about how i am always smiling and people could never tell just by looking at me that I'm sick. well since it's not a matter of public record, there's no need for me to go around announcing it.
but, back to yesterday. seeing that tawanda had passed on made me think of me and luz. we do this thing called life despite our sicknesses and have the hardest time trying to get people to understand why we're not always in the mood to be cheerful. it's not that we aren't happy. we just can't be the "cheerleader" all the time. there are days when i just want to stay in bed all day, but i can't. i have to be a mother and i don't get a vacay from that job. the co-parent says he's going to come get the boys, but never shows. i don't let it get to me. i just continue to do what i do because i'm all my boys have to count on right now. i said a quick prayer for tawanda and her girls. i'm sure they are in good hands because she and her mom were very close.
where does this leave me? as always, i'm thinking. this time i'm thinking that i should make it my business to be better about keeping in touch with my friends. speaking of, some very important people have birthdays coming up!!! let me get my act together. lata gata.

tables turned

i try to be understanding when a guy says, "i'm not that other guy who hurt you. i"m different. so there's no reason for you to have your guard up when it comes to me." you're right. you are not the guy who hurt me, but you should chew your own words before you spit them out because i am not the chick who hurt you. and don't act like you've never been hurt before. because had you not, you wouldn't run around like some playboy trying to tag as much ass as you possibly can. and don't give me that mess about 'not being ready to commit again because you did that before and it didn't work out for you' line because that one is mine. so the chick before me cheated on you and left you high and dry! that doesn't mean i'm going to do the same thing. i have more respect for myself than to bed hop. if i am not happy with you, i will leave, period. i have too many things running through my head as is than to try to come up with and maintain a lie to you about being with someone else. i do have a life outside of 'me and you' and i'm not going to stop living it because i'm with you. that's what makes me interesting and i will be damned if i lose my identity trying to conform to this ideal 'mate' for you.
well i guess i should get to the point of my title. i'm just babbling because lately it seems the tables have turned and guys are feeling the wrath of non-chalant women who have been fucked over by guys and girls alike and choose to let that hurt dictate their way of being. hell, if i did that; my life woould have been dramastically different twelve years ago when i experienced being cheated on for the first time. i simply took notes from the lesson and kept living my life. i'm not going to sit here and say "i dropped that man like a hot pot" because i didn't. how was i supposed to know what i should do? i had never  experienced that and it did hurt. but i also got over the hurt.
i guess the moral of this story is to practice what you preach because you can't expect me to not feel like you're going to be a lying, cheating snake like the last guy if you think i'm going to be a lying, cheating cumdumpster like the last chick. can't we both start with a clean slate?

fell asleep listening to butterflies...

...woke up to filthy moths.
what the fuck? i hate when my day starts off on a sour note. and this time, it's all over nothing.
why can't people just take you for your word? why is it so hard to believe when someone says they are not upset? i am not really always mad. there are just times when i need to let off a little steam. it's not like i'm doing something all humans don't do. so if reading my freakin blog gives you the impression i am always mad, don't. i am a rather upbeat person despite all that i have been thru. i could spend a lifetime telling you half the stuff. but i don't let that stuff get me down. i use that as a stepping stone to a better "me"
well you're probably wondering what the filthy moths i "woke up to" is all about. of course it's relationship issues. i'm single and going thru relationship problems. how is that you ask? well i have an unofficial "boyfriend" who in my eyes, is the bee's knees. it's just sometimes we bump heads and today was a real doozy. i'm not going to go into details about our disagreement. i am just going to say, some of the things expressed made me see him in a whole new light. hell, it made me see us in a whole new light.
the question i'm sitting here asking myself is, what do i do with this newfound discovery? *insert me putting on my thinking cap*

we eat beef over here

not long after my last post, the man called me out on a post in the Facebook group he and i are both in. someone posted an explicit photo and he tagged me in his comment asking where i was. we went back and forth and the end result was him calling me "his future" and one of the members, who happens to be a mutual friend of ours, commenting that she knew IT. he wants me to "submit" and i told him that i am not his wife. he feels i should practice. i don't need the practice. i know which battles to fight and i honestly get a kick out of rustling his feathers. he wanted me to come up to his job and chill with him. he's got to be out of his mind. i was freezing last night and he doesn't work down the street. not saying that i wouldn't do it, but right now i'm not obligated. we made plans for him to come straight "home" after work and he chose to go to the gym so now i am forced to call him out.
this is what my title is referring to. we are supposedly "beefing" according to him because i fell asleep on him the other night. what? i was tired. i'm not going to say i wasn't in the mood (I'M ALWAYS IN THE MOOD) because i was. it's just that i get so comfortable in his arms (they're so BIG), i can't help but pass out. plus, it's a scientific fact that cuddling helps for a more restful sleep.
but back to what i was saying. i already called him out and once he wakes up from his peaceful slumber, he's going to get the shock of his life. i wonder if i should tag him in the post. i do believe i will.
i'll be sure to keep you updated on the "beef" but for now, i have to get back to my writing.

why did i open my mouth

picture it, a couple weeks ago in the florida room of the house. he and i are having a few drinks and mine start to go to my head. the conversation starts to lean towards why we can't make it official. i get to blabbering about how i need to get someone out of my system. he asks if it's an ex. how about NO!! it's one of my oldest friends (no pun intended) and i promised myself if i were ever single again, i would make it my business to have this man at least twice. (i have a thing about one night stand). so he looked me in my eyes and told me to go ahead and get the guy out of my system and if he and i are meant to be, i'll find my way back to him. that response seemed a little too diplomatic to me so i just let it go. well apparently he didn't.
cut to us out to dinner the next night and he tells me i put a knife through his heart when i told him that. says he wants 100% of me. i tried convincing him he has my undivided affection, but he's not going for that. i don't have feelings for this man. i just want to fuck him. well i wanted to until it got in the way of what i have going on now.
so now i'm dealing with his snide remarks about something i said under the influence of alcohol (i know drunkards speak the truth) and he says he's letting it go. it just hurts too much to know that i want another man. but my question is...WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME THE HALL PASS TO DO IT IF YOU FELT THAT WAY???? he says that he doesn't want me thinking about being with him once we are together. the thing about it is...I DON'T. we may text every now and again and we rarely see one another. so i am at a crossroads because i have no clue what to do. somebody come rescue me.

i learned from the best...

i learned from you.
what did you take from that title? what about the subtitle? it isn't directed to anyone in particular.
 i was texting my friend lyndon the other day and we were planning to hang out. in case you were wondering, yes this is the same lyndon i had a crush on for over a decade. he is still just as awesome as the first day we met and i have to remind myself that we went years without speaking even though it's like we never stopped. i really enjoy our textersations. mainly because he is so humble and down to earth. we were discussing a date to catch up and he throws in a disclaimer about seeing someone new. why did he go and do that? i had to read the text about three times before i texted goldie to see what sideways remark she was going to say. she called instead and made it her business to chew me out for not making a move on him. the question is...do i really want to make a move? i know i've said for the longest that i want to have a "romantic interlude" with him, but now i just don't think i want to do it. it's not that i think he is no longer awesome. it's just the mr is consuming my time and thoughts right now and i don't know how he would take me being with someone else. plus i have that "one at a time" rule that i like to stick to. so, what do i do?
i started to call one of my exes to see what he would do if he were me, but i decided against it. i could always call good ole dwayne and see what he has to see. he's always been good at advice (even when it came to him). there's always trusty Remix. yes. i think that's what i will do. i'm going to make it my business to call him tomorrow afternoon. that way i know he's taken care of any extra-curricular activities he had scheduled for the a.m.
although i have done the relationship "thing" since high school, i am still learning. those were three men with three different personalities, although the last two had more in common, who i learned quite a bit from. so i'll take my lessons and pass the tests. thanx for being my teacher, good or bad.

untitled...yet again

i am really not sure what to write about. it's just a lot has been going on in my life and i feel like my mind is cluttered. i continue to have these random up wakes at the most inconvenient hours of the night so i came to the conclusion i was not meant to sleep. i've probably done enough to last me a lifetime already. okay, maybe not. but i did/do sleep a lot when i get sick. i'm not gonna lie and say i get sleep when i'm in the hospital because there's always someone barging in the room. oh! that doesn't happen to you? maybe it's just my nurses and doctors. now that i'm writing it, whenever i have a rooommate, they don't get as many visits from their doctors as i have from mine. so maybe it is my doctors who just adore me more. i'm so special!! but enough about hospitals because i'm trying to steer clear of talk like that. so let's talk about my world. i was talking to a good friend of mine yesterday who informed me he has to break off our friendship for a while. so does that mean he is my ex-friend until this hiatus is over? it doesn't matter because i still consider him my friend. i guess we just won't converse as much as we usually do. i'll keep you posted on how that pans out. now to my unofficial "boyfriend" who has been "loving" me from a distance for quite some time now. i just adore this man at times and at times i want to...oh never mind. alright. at times i want to tell him we can make it official, but i know i'm not ready so i just keep my mouth shut. it's little things that transpire that make me want to back off and i know i shouldn't be that way because everybody is different. but it's just some things that get my spidey senses tingling and i can't help that my guard automatically goes up. so i'll keep you posted on that as well. for now, i'm gonna say Lata Gata and make my out of cyberworld and into the real one.

has it been a year already?

i'm up at a wicked hour debating as to whether i'm doing the right thing here. and by the right thing, i'm referring to my new relationship that i am starting on the 11th of this month. maybe i should hold off and go ahead and move away like i wanted to. this new start felt good at first. then again, when doesn't something new feel good? it doesn't always turn out good. but now i'm having second thoughts. then i tell myself i'm just doing like i always do and over-analyze the situation. it even got to a point earlier that i wanted to just call the whole thing off.  i told myself i was being crazy because this is just the new beginning i need to get me over the last disaster i called a job. and when i look at it that way, it all makes sense. so i now know it was just anxiety i was experiencing because i can't wait for monday to get here. out with the old, in with the new!!

his advice

a great friend of mine was talking to me as his "homie" and advised me that i should go ahead and consider becoming unsingle. seems he read one of my recent posts and can't understand why i'm keeping to myself. he understands why i want to be single, but why i keep myself to myself he can't grasp. i am trying to enjoy no commitments outside of being a mother. i  almost don't ever want to go back to work because then i would be committing myself to a company. i am not going to say i am considering it. i am considering pulling a disappearing act just to avoid it. but a certain individual is very persistent and says he will find me, some way somehow. now what does my trusty friend have to say about this? who knows? i have yet to ask him what he thinks about this. in the meantime, i think i'll sit back and enjoy these last few days of workit job freedom. can't go back to work tied down to someone. not that i'm trying to find love at work. i've never been about that. i go to work to get paid. i just happen to make associates along the way.
so the question is do i take my friend's advice? do i step into that box and give the relationship scenario another spin? i'm kinda already in the box and i don't like the way it makes me feel. that's how i know i'm not ready to be in a relationship. so despite what anybody suggests or feels, i'm going to continue to be single.

rebel with a cause

i've purposely tried to stay single because i just don't want to deal with being a part of a couple. i've done that for more than half of my life and BIG is intent on changing my mind. i wish i could say i'm okay with him wanting to do this, but...i'm not! i am content with us hanging out every now and then. but it seems every now and then has turned into every day. whoa!! i thought we were just having fun and taking it "light" but i should have known he would want more based off our conversations. he's a great guy and all, but i have found myself looking for condos and baby shower gifts. it's like when did we take that step? so now to get myself out of this routine, i feel the urge to step outside of this box i've come to step inside. i do believe it's time i stop pussyfooting around and hang with Lyndon again. he always seems to know what i need to hear. he's an awesome friend and i just adore him.

what the fuck? it's wednesday. i may as well

i had another random up wake episode today. and yes! you read correctly. i said up wake. i have been having them more than usual lately ( well we can let yesterday's slide because my alarm was set) and it is really starting to annoy me. usually when i get up in the middle of the night, i can go right back to the land of inkin blinkin and nod, but not on up wake random days. these are the days when i'm up between three:thirty and four a.m. in the morning and i try desparately to go back to sleep for hours only to doze off just before it is time for the bigger abbreviated americans to start getting up for school. then it is annoying because i am a light sleeper and they tend to sound like a clan of ogres in the a.m. so i'm forced to get up and put on my superwoman costume and do the Mother thing while running on a few hours of sleep. then we have incidents where i attempt to stay woke during the course of the day and i nod off in the midst of another activity. let's take yesterday for example. my princes and i were watching a movie and i decided to have a cup of johan to make sure i stay up and what do you know...i spilled (more like poured) the coffee in my lap. and it was only about five:00 in the evening. sure, they're usually outside playing at that time, but for some strange reason, they were indoors. well needless to say the coffee incident heightened my aggravation with random up wake days. so today i do believe i will make it "official sarcasm is my first language day" some of you fuckboys and girls better watch out. just make sure you let me know if what i say offends you...so i can say it again some other time. thanx for being a team player. well on that note, i'm going to sign off. Lata Gata!!

mayday!! mayday!! i'm having a meltdown...

and this is so not the month for it! and that was definitely the wrong time to have one. there were water works and everything. i tried not to do it, but he made me. he says it's for the best. i don't know about all that. this is supposed to be my month that i shut down, but it doesn't look like he's going to let me. i told him we could discuss anything he wants starting the first of june. he said he's okay with it, and i'm sure he's going to stick to his word. i think i'm going to be okay with the discussion when we have it. i know it won't take place before the fifth so that gives me me a month.

no, we're not married

i went on a field trip with my fab baker boys, my nephew, and one of my awesome friends. this particular field trip consisted of his desire to fulfill my craving for pecan waffles. we were en route and he happened to spot one of his co-workers. we pulled over and they began to chat (despite my growing hunger). the fella looked in the car and asked, is this your wife and kids? uh!! no!! i'm not his wife!! i quickly answered NO!! like he asked if i killed someone and was under interrogation. not that being his wife would be a bad thing (hell. i wouldn't know since i am nothing close to being anybody's wife). just because he shares a name with one of my princes doesn't mean there's anything married-life like going on between us. the thing is, anytime someone sees us or i talk to someone about us, they assume we're married. the next time this happens, i'm simply going to reply, "no, we're not married! we have sex too often to be married." that should put all inquiries to rest. wouldn't you agree?

that's not happiness to hear you

don't ya just hate when your phone rings, you look at the caller id, and the name or picture that flashes across your screen belongs to an individual you would much rather not hear from? no? so it is just me!! oh well. let's pretend it happens to you as well while you read about them mayhem i consider my world. so the piece of shit phone i had decided to have a stroke (and by that, one side of the touchscreen stopped working) and i wasn't able to reply to text messages or call anyone. correction, i could call a person just after they called me and i used my keypad to go thru the missed call list and hit the "enter" key for the selected party. this went on for about three and a half weeks while i pondered replacing the phone with my insurance or getting a new phone altogether. i'd already said i was going to get a new phone and just give my old one to my niece,  but now i didn't know what i was going to do. so as i continued to ponder my next move, my phone stopped charging...period. so i told myself i would do both. get the replacement phone and give it to my niece and upgrade my phone. i needed a bigger screen anyway. the initial  phone i wanted was no longer available and when i found out there was a better phone available and not quite as expensive, i put my plan into motion. let's face it! i don't have the best luck with phones so why pay more for one than i do my household bills combined? my lifestyle doesn't call for that...anymore. plus, i would be out of my mind to spend all that money and i only use the damn phone to text the very few people i care to interact with and update facebook and twitter. and for that, i can get a two-way pager. you feel me? so during all of this, i went into monk mode (yet again). pretty much the only people who got in touch with me was "blood" and i didn't mind. there were instances where a select few got in touch with me, and again, i didn't mind. but it's like as soon as i got the hoopla surrounding my replacement phone straightened out (and there was hoopla), shit blew up. this of course reminded me why i enjoyed the peace and quiet of being without a phone. don't call my damn phone "private" at unGODly hours because i know your tricks. and since you haven't changed them in years, I KNOW IT'S YOUR DUMB ASS!!! and since i don't feel like being bothered with your bullshit, i'm blocking you. yep! you! so that's what i mean by my title. it's not happiness to hear the ringtone associated with your punk ass!!

of course i'm woke

it's dark o' clock and i'm up trying to figure out what is wrong with my brand new phone. it hasn't been right since i bought it. i don't know how long this love affair is going to last if it keeps up with this behavior. i like the feel of it in my hands. it's not too small and not too big! it's like the baby bear's items to goldilocks...JUST RIGHT!!! i just want it to stop cutting a monkey on me. we could have such a great life together if it would straighten  up and fly righht. besides my phone, i'm thinking of my son's up and coming birthday in two months. you may think this is too soon, but i like to be prepared. i was thinking of going with my friend's idea to host our kids' parties together since their birthdays are a few days apart. the thing is, i haven't seen him in seven years. i take that back. i did see him two years ago. we had an opportunity to catch up after court one day. it was pretty cool, despite the scorching temperature. so the birthday soiree is definitely a possibilty.

now i'm a teacher

since the school district out here has so many days off, i'm considering homeschooling for my boys. i have worked with them for years with basic things and i'm trying a website i found earlier today through a search engine. the great part about it is that i am being offered a 30 day free trial as long as i do a review after the trial period.

Time4Learning has invited me to try their online curriculum for 30 days in exchange for an honest review. My opinion will be entirely my own, so come back and read about my experiences. Visit them for information about lesson plans, homeschool portfolios or writing your own curriculum review.

i'm pretty excited bout this so i'll be sure to let you all know how it goes in a month.

untitled...again

i am sitting here contemplating a new hairstyle. my friend doesn't want me to go red for the summer. what he doesn't know is that i'm still going to do it. my hair is an expression of me and right about now, i feel like i'm on fire. so why not have my hair fiery red? he'll like it once he sees it. it'll be better than the dang near blond i normally rock (naturally) in the summer. i really want to cut it again, but i'm also considering locs. goldie would love that. she's been dying to get her hands on my hair. i wonder how that would look. my sister now wants to get senegalese twists. i like the way she thinks they are new. didn't want to burst her bubble and tell her they're not. she may look great with them. enough about hair.

i want to hurry up and go to the bahamas before goldie loses the desire to go. she is strange like that, but i heart her anyway. my sister asked me why i won't take a guy with me. uh no!!! it's not a honeymoon. i may get pissed and they turn up missing. and right now, i don't think i like anyone enough to be around them like that. i've come to discover my love for being single. this shit is the bombdotcom. why am i just now experiencing it in my damn thirties? oh. i remember. that wicked little thing called commitment. oh well. i'm done with it now. i'm not trying to be "un"single anytime soon.

my wrist is acting funny again and that is really not going to work for me. i had shit planned that requires heavy use of my hand.

i'm going to take up belly dancing. i think that is just awesome. once i get that down, i'm going to take a burlesque class as well. burlesque just reminds me so much of show choir. YES!! i was in show choir. dammit, i do smile. and i'm not really mean *snickering*

enough about me rambling. i really wanted to write about something else, but i can't remember what. i'll just come back when i do. in the meantime between time...lata gata!!!

i'm changing

my look. i'm considering a fire hydrant red hair color for the summer. i've never dyed my hair so this will be a major change from the natural change in the summer. so instead of sandy brown, we're going to go vibrant. i wonder how a few individuals will react. my princes always like my new styles whenever i change my hair so we'll see what they think. i just want something bold to go along with my vacation i'm taking. that reminds me, i need to check the expiration date on my passport. for the time being, we'll go with a color change since i'm forever cutting it. i'm done cutting it (after this one) and will go ahead and let it grow out. i'll keep you posted.

yeah. what he said

i've started this year on a good note. i'm sticking to my word to be nicer, despite a few encounters with individuals who have no clue the tazmanian type behavior i can unleash if need be.

i told myself i was going to do something nice for lyndon for his birthday but with all that i have on my plate, which basically consists of shopping, i've had to put that on the back burner. i still plan to do it, but i've got to complete two tasks first. one being this trip to mexico planned (and paid for) and the second being the trip to the bahamas. that's only a three day, two night thing so that should be easy. i'm still debating on cam's birthday. a friend of mine, whose daughter was born two days before cam, wants us to share their party. it would be our kids first time seeing one another so i'm tempted to do it. not like my sister wants to share party expenses and her daughter's birthday is three days before. oh well. i'll have it figured out by next month.

but enough about that. my title is about him and what he said, so you're probably wondering what it is that "he" said. he said he just wants to reciprocate. do you know how that made me feel? no? well i'll tell you. made me feel like i was on top of the world. he's great and i love that he's my friend.

10 things i hate about you

hate to break it to you, but this post is nowhere near about my hatred for any one person in particular. actually i just feel like griping and figured this was the best way to go about doing so.
my first gripe is regarding negligent parental units who get upset when someone else makes any attempt to teach their offspring something about structure. if your form of child rearing is to let them run around like screaming howler monkeys, that's fine. just don't expect people who like structure to tolerate the fuckery in their home.
my second gripe is with people who settle and then get upset with what they've settled for. and to top it off, they find some reason to get upset with those who work for better. not just better money, but a better life all around. to those people i say: do the world a favor and play in traffic.
my last gripe (today) is stupidity. i can't stand for a person to consider themselves the exception to the rule for someone who doesn't follow the rules. you too can play in traffic.
i'm done.

don't you just hate when that happens

...or maybe it's just me.
i've been up for more than an hour now thanks to the abbreviated american playing on my phone. who does that? wakes up in the middle of the night "drunk" calling people while sober. my child. one of my friends called back and when i heard the phone ring, i figured he was going thru my ringtones. i took my phone and told him to go to bed, not thinking to look at it. didn't realize that was a callback until he texted asking if i was ok because he saw i called. oops. had to reply that was the kid-person, but i can only imagine what was going thru his head. thoughts like 'she never calls me' or 'is this a prank' maybe 'what is she doing up' hell i don't know. i do know that i am now up before the daggone rooster and i wish i could go back to sleep (kinda the way the abbreviated american did twenty minutes after his calling spree). this is the part that sucks. kinda makes me want to wake him up and make him entertain me for my troubles. now that doesn't sound like a bad idea.

body art

i'm still contemplating a new tattoo. i got a suggestion from someone (their first and middle name on my neck) and i was near tears laughing. i am not one to get a man's name on my body. not that i have anything against those who do. it's your body to do as you please. i don't see that as a way to prove your love for someone and it definitely doesn't mean you'll be with that person forever. i've had guys with girls names tattooed on their neck, arms, whatever still try to come at me. or there are guys who tell me about how they were doing the do with chicks who had some guy's name tramp stamped on their back. so you're hittin it from the back and she's screaming out your name while you're reading another guy's name on her back. how do you continue? do you put a towel over the art or what? i'm going to get something with a meaning behind it. i'm thinking of going with the breast cancer ribbon in honor of my Mother. i still want my footprint design. may not get it where i initially planned. who knows?

what if?

during the past couple of days, i've asked myself that regarding so many situations.
what if i had gone thru with my wedding? w~ i stuck to my guidelines regarding men i date? w~ i never decided to date my best friend? w~ i walked away the first time? w~ i never taken it to that level with him? w~ i were still dealing with him? w~ i had taken that job offer? or even that one? w~ i still went off to school despite being told i need to stay "home"? w~ i kept modeling? what if? what if? what if? none of it matters because either way, i would still be at the point i am now. because my Mother falling ill would have definitely brought me back home. i got over the what ifs and got back to the real world. i needed to be humbled really early in life. i'm glad it happened because there's no telling what type of person i would be had i not. plus these experiences have made me the awesome person i am today. and i love the me that i am.

it's been too long...

...and i'm lost without you. what am i gonna do? -Aaliyah

i spent the first night of the year with my family and the late night sitting up talking to my dear friend. we were watching movies with my brother, niece, third, and Goldie but those peons desserted us and we ended up talking about my madcap adventures and former lifestyle. around three a.m. in the morning, he asked why i was so wired and suggested we "take a nap" for an hour because he was on-call later that day. although i was wide awake, sleep encapsulated my body once i laid my head on his chest. his large arms had a lot to do with it as well. i didn't even tense up when he commented about liking how we were positioned on the couch and how it reminded him of being married. it did make me think about how i no longer have a male bestie. i miss what i had with Jamel. i don't have that friend i can call baby and it not have a sexual undertone. so i'm now on a search to find him. i have candidates in mind. just gotta see who is willing to do it.