whispering sweet nothings

whether it be in my ear or by text, it means the most. i was told the other day that my say so and two cents matters because i'm important. that made me feel great (although i felt horrible physically) especially coming from the awesome person who sent the text to me. my homie, cas is forever singing the praises of my intelligence and i think that's the best compliment anyone (male or female) can give me. i love my mind and it seems everyone in my circle is singing the praises of my intelligence. i went out saturday with my aunt, sisters, and nieces and my aunt (a dr of education) sang praises of my brain in her own way. it didn't make me feel as good as my nephew, Baby, walking in the door asking for my assistance with his spelling bee words because i'm, and i quote "the smartest person he knows" i absolutely adore that boy. it has nothing to do with him being a fellow virgo and my fave sister's son. he's just awesome all around. but enough about him. my niece (Baby's sister) asks for my assistance with her homework as well. i get a kick out of helping them. especially since my patience is a lot better than it was when my younger brother would ask for help when we were in elementary school and i would just do his work to get him out of my face. well mortal of the story is...i think my intelligence is my greatest asset and i've been receiving compliments on it like forty going north.

that's how you like it?

well if you like it, so be it. i don't have to love it. who am i to tell you how you should feel about something? you're entitled to your own opinion and i'm in no way trying to change it. so if i'm staying out of your business, WHY THE EFF ARE YOU IN MINE? i don't know you to give two shits about you. what information i have regarding you is hearsay. and you know the saying, believe half of what you... not to mention, that person swore they couldn't stand the fact that you were sucking up valuable oxygen when there's a shortage on everything these days. but of course i would be a bitch to bring any of that info i was provided to light. so here's what i propose we do...
YOU STOP TELLING LIES ON ME AND I'LL STOP TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT YOU!!

what is love?

did i really just title my post "what is love?" how the hell am i supposed to know? what i thought was love three times turned out to be a big fat lie so based on those mishaps, i came to the conclusion i have no freakin idea what love is.
why is she asking this, you ask. well i posted a status on ye olde booke earlier today regarding my friend lyndon and my friend made a comment about how lyndon has me going hard and it's nothing like love. part of that was true. lyndon does have me gone. i am on some kind of high when it comes to him. but it's not the high that one would think. it's the high of me finding him again and getting to know one another all over again. both of our situations have changed drastically. when we met some 14 years ago, he was married and i was engaged. now he's in a committed relationship and i'm single, never married. he's still an awesome father (adorable) and just as handsome as ever. i had an opportunity to hang with him a couple of weeks ago and we had a good time. i wasn't nervous (like i thought i would be), but then again, i was drinking. ok. enough about that field trip.

but my friend and his comment made me think about a lot of things because i always felt love is a verb and not a noun. you show love. anyone can say they love you, but their actions back it up. i say i love grand prix cars and denali trucks but that doesn't mean anything. there's also a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. i love my friend dwayne. so that means i am there for him when he needs me. he can call and want to have a gripe session at three am in the morning (i've done this to him) and i would be there to listen no matter what i have on my agenda later that day. this doesn't mean i'm in love with him. in other words, his happiness means the world to me so i will do anything in my power to make sure he is happy. don't get e wrong. i'm no expert on love (i said this in so many words earlier) but i know the way i love and expect to be loved in return. just can't seem to find that this day and age. or maybe the "one" for me got lost and refuses to ask for directions. lata gata!!

lyndon

i said i wouldn't but i'm gonna do it anyway. lyndon has been my friend for going on 14 years and i've had the opportunity to recently get back in touch with him. you know how i used to do when i got into a relationship (place people on the back burner) so we lost touch. i've always felt bad about this because we went from talking almost everyday to not at all. so i promised i would never remove myself from our friendship again when we reunite. i got my wish to have my friend back earlier this year *yay me* and i'm keeping my promise. one of my confessions for my birthday was that i've had a crush on him for years. it's more like admiration. he's a great guy all around but the most awesome part is "he's a wonderful father" that's the sexiest trait a man can have. yeah he's fine as fuck too! don't get me wrong. and a body out of this world. i just wanted to write about him because he's been invading my dreams. now let me head back to sleep and see if i can catch a glimpse of him. lata gata *wink*

coming down

from the "high" of celebrating my birthday made me realize just how awesome i am. i posted 33 confessions on my facebook and twitter pages to celebrate turning a year older. most of them were memories, but some were things people really didn't know about me. like yesterday marking the six year anniversary of my kidney being removed (not that that was one of the confessions). but yesterday i sat reading my book and realizing just how awesome i really am. it's a page turner like a muthafucka and i haven't even gotten to the juicy parts. i just wanted to pat myself on the back for a job well done and i have. lata gata *wink*

too old for this shit

i've been saying this for quite some time and i found this to be so true last week when i had to put someone in line for calling my phone "private" repeatedly as though i wouldn't have anything to say about it. i first thought it was my "least favorite mistake" but soon found it to be someone who has no idea what can of worms they have now opened. i decided i did a good job of not going to jail after almost going last year (i know. almost doesn't count) and with my birthday fast approaching, i wanted to be a good girl all month. moral of the story. let me catch that slut next month and it's been one. i know i'm too grown for this shit but i am only going to tell another "grown" muthafucka one time not to fuck with the chuck!!

did you really...

invade my private space like that? there i was dreaming. minding my own thoughts and you waltz in like you belong there. what the fuck is that all about? we are not that cool for you to do shit like that. i have to invite you into my dreams. you know. send you a text telling you to meet me there or a call. but that is so your character to invade. and your actions in the dream were wild. you showed up at my house UNINVITED, which is a definite no-no. well now that i've gotten that off my chest, let me go enjoy this gloomy september day.

hi guy

that's how i started all of my journal entries for the past 17 years. i got it from one of my fave movies and i'm not going to tell you which movie that is. would hate for you to try to add it to your collection. i do believe all children should watch it because it teaches a valuable lesson. so maybe i will tell you the title. it's lisa. check it out. you just might like it. you're probably asking yourself "why the heck is she telling me this?" well i'll tell you. i was chatting with my cousin yesterday regarding her return to high school and she mentioned the only class she liked was english because she loves to write. it made me think of myself when i was her age since i too have always loved to write. i love anything associated with literature. i asked if she had a journal to keep track of her stories and thoughts and she said no. so i, being the kind hearted mentor that i am, told her that i would get her one. i may just go ahead and get her two because i know how fast i would fill up a journal. once i was done chatting with her, i looked at a recent entry (which i happened to write down on notebook paper because i was at my sister's) and realized i still start my entries this way. it made me laugh because i got into an argument with my least favorite mistake some ten years ago because he read my journal while i was sleeping and thought i was writing to a man. so there i was up in the middle of the night convincing him i've always done that. he was leery until i dragged him across town to pull one of my first journals out to show him. needless to say, there was awesome making up going on after. we did that a lot...make up.
dang!! where was i going before i was derailed by the "least favorite mistake" train? oh yeah. i'm a creature of habit. i like things a certain way. i'm sure everybody likes things a certain way, but i think i can take it overboard sometimes. it's almost as though i have borderline OCD. my books and movies have to be alphabetized. the books also have to be arranged by height. is this how all creative types are? i do believe i am going to take a pool and find out.
i decided to cut this one short since i'm using the wonderful game of UNO to better familiarize my prince kyle with his numbers. he's had his colors down pat for over a year. just stubborn when it comes to these numbers.
lata gata (that's how i end all of my entries)

merry-go-round

and now i'm getting off.

i can't believe i almost allowed you to have power over me once again. what the fuck was i thinking? i kept my phone off just so that you wouldn't be able to call me. what? that's just madness!! i have got to be more careful. it's my phone. i choose who i want to answer the muthafucka for. and since you never call me that early in the morning, why would i bother answering? i wouldn't answer for anybody that early in the morning. you're not my responsibility anymore. i'm not obligated to answer the phone for you. i pay the bill. even if you did pay the bill, i still can pick and choose who and when i want to answer MY phone.
ok. so what. i wasn't at home. it's none of your business where i was. even if it was just my sister's house. that's my business!!!
i know this happened over a week ago. it's just that i am realizing today that i gave him power that he doesn't deserve and now i'm taking it back. it's a vicious cycle. i am not that cold of a person that i just turn my back on people because his well-being does matter to me. i want him to be happy. i just don't understand why he can't return the favor. it's tiring. that's what it is. i'm not going to sit around stressing about his feelings and how he would react to a situation when he doesn't reciprocate. i just can not do it. doing it is a waste of energy and i barely have enough of it as is. i'm done with this. i can't be your friend anymore because you don't return the favor. you call me and gripe about your girl and i listen. i don't offer up my opinion unless you ask. but you can't bear to hear me say i met someone new. or that i'm considering trying a new relationship. you want to get all huffy and catch an attitude. what's that all about?
i am in the process of ordering my new phone. this time i'm getting one that can block individual phone numbers. i refuse to change my number (again) just to keep you from calling me because i am just going to give it to you eventually. so for the time being, just consider yourself blocked when my phone gets here. when i feel like you are deserving of any of my time, then i'll unblock you and we can be associates. that's as far as it will go. i've tried being that listening ear because i care but i can no longer care. it only interferes with MY LIFE. and you're not considerate enough to think about how your actions affect me.

who is this cell phone monk?

i am on day seven of ignoring my phone. that's pretty damned good for me since i'm a self-proclaimed texting addict. i guess i made up for it with the numerous facebook posts i've put up over the past week. sad to say, i didn't tweet much. guess i'll make up for it this week.
i picked up my phone twice today. the first time was to do a note on facebook regarding my cell phone and the second time was to answer the call from my provider inquiring as to whether or not i would like to restore my service today. i actually had to think about it and requested a call back at another time. still don't know what i'm going to say when they call back.
i am waiting to decide whether i'm really going to upgrade my phone or just replace this one with my insurance. my buttons are going on strike. i like my keyboard and the phone i want is touch screen only. i know. sux big pickles. i'll just go ahead and get that one and hold on to this piece of shit i have now. that way if something goes wrong with the new phone (most likely me spilling a full mug of steaming hot tea with honey in it), i'll have it as a back up.
so for now, i'm going to ponder what to do about my phone. for the time being, i will stay on phone strike and consider myself a cell phone monk.

blah, blah, blah

i have a fetish for status shuffle on facebook. earlier i posted a status from the bunch and added a bit to the end. it read:

i want 2 see him so bad i want 2 look his in the eyes and say i ♥ u and hear him say it back and i want him 2 hold me with all of his love and never let me go...and then my phone will ring and an asshole will be on the other end.

the part that is bold was added by yours truly. i just like the way i was able to flip the whole thing around using a real life experience. i'm not looking for love. i'm not waiting for love. i am enjoying the single life but at times, some of my least favorite mistakes like to be ants at my picnic. it's like they have some sort of "happy detector" implanted in my head and they have to just shit all over my world whenever i'm just too comfortable in my happy mode. i don't get it. i want them to be happy. that's all i ever wanted for them. that was the reason i left them. it was quite apparent i wasn't making them happy so i left. what do i have to do, move out of state again? and i'm not talking just across the border. i'm talking the other direction where it's a planned trip and not just a phone call when you're down the street from my place asking if it's cool if you stop by. this past weekend's events had me online looking at openings for the company i was going to work for prior to my current employer. i would be taking another pay cut but the upside to that is the cost of living is nowhere near as high as it is here. my boys would get a better education since the schools are AWESOME!!! would be hard to leave my Father, though. i just feel like i'm running away from home anytime i put any more distance between us. if i tell him all the crap i've gone thru this summer, he would try to talk me into coming down there with him. there's so much to consider before i make that move, but for the record; there isn't much holding me here. really it's not.

day three of peace

my phone is off and i have no intention of turning it back on anytime soon. i am enjoying the "peaceful noise" created by my boys. no texting or rare phone conversations. anyone who wants to get in touch with me knows how. to be completely honest, i'm thinking of making this an august thing since my month has started of on a crappy note.
i am just so sick of answering my phone only to have the person on the other end on some bullshit and major nonsense. i have better things to worry about than to be concerned with your fucking feelings being hurt because your homeboy told you i spent the night out. it didn't have shit to do with me dropping the boys off to my sister at 3 am in the morning (which by the way didn't happen). you were upset about hearing that i was with someone else. whether i was or not is no business of yours or your friends because i'm grown and i don't answer to either one of you. hell. i don't answer to anyone on the face of this planet. for future reference, the next time your friend calls you before the fucking rooster crows to tell you i am out "tricking off" roll over and look at the beast laying next to you and tell yourself and him "THAT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS"

insomnia...

must be my native american name because sleep just refuses to be my friend. during the three hours that i've been up, i've tried; laying in the dark for an hour, cleaning out my inbox, emptying my bladder, listening to the fan rotate, sending out birthday shoutouts on facebook, and tweeting. as i lay here yawning and listening to my son fall out of the bed for the third time (i'm not picking his solid ass up again. ok. yes i am), i wonder if insomnia is genetic. i have a cousin who suffers from it and i know for a fact my fraternal grandmother suffers. does that mean it skips a generation since my first cousin and i suffer but our parents, who are siblings (for the genetics impaired), don't? i used to say i need to find an overnight job since i was always up at the wee hours, but i've come to the conclusion, i need a life outside of work and home. i don't suffer from insomnia!! i have a severe case of creativity and my mind needs to explore. i'm gonna fill my prescription for a social life (again) pronto!!

my horrible-scope

i took my boys on a field trip downtown due to their fascination with the train. needless to say, they discovered it was overrated and found more excitement in how close the pigeons walked to us. now i, on the oher hand, did find something about the train ride back intriguing. some previous rider left their newspaper on the seat next to me and when i glanced over, it was on the horoscopes. hmmm. what nonsense could it say about my sign? so i glanced over and skimmed my report only to find it precise. according to the predictor, i am sexually dissatisfied and i'm wondering if my new boyfriend (yes. it said boyfriend and not mate) Knows my errogenous zones. it ended by stating eventually, it will get better. (thanx for something to look forward to) so my question is, how in the hell is everyone in my sign sexually dissatisfied? that's a lot of people. and damnit, we're fucking awesome! so why can't we have our fleshly needs met? thanx ruling planet, mercury! couldn't have done it without you. *insert wink here*

back and forth

and no i'm not talking about the hit from Aaliyah. i'm talking about people who know the truth but choose to play the role as though they don't. i was talking earlier with a friendgirl of mine who happens to be reconciling with a recent love. she called me to discuss a convo she'd had with the guy's ex earlier this morning.
she woke up and texted him that she's headed out for work and would call him later. that move prompted a somewhat expected call. the girl on the other end of the phone was his ex trying to convince my girl that nothing happened and he just came over when he left the club to paint. i blurted out "trick please! he came over to paint? at 3 am in the morning? the only walls he's painting at that hour are pussy walls!" my girl started cracking up. i was so serious. it's like come on now. who are you trying to convince? why keep going back and forth with the man? especially after admitting you don't want him. that's just SELFISH, hoe!! getalife.com

torn

giving people the benefit of the doubt. is that a good or bad thing? i know it's not right to hold past transgressions against someone new, but it's hard when you find someone new and they turn out to be just like who you walked away from. so i figured i would shut out love all together after Mr but of course i meet someone who is cooler than the other side of the pillow. so do i stick to my guns and keep this wall around my heart or do i let this person in? for now i'm gonna stick with the wall until i have more homework done regarding this individual. for the record, he's softening me up. that's always a good thing, or is it?

oh yeah! let me drop everything i'm doing, put on my neglectful mama hat, and go with you...NOT!!!

is it just me or do people without children completely shut out the fact that their associates have children? then again, maybe you are just used to dealing with neglectful whores who don't put their children first. well let me set the record straight for you. I AM A MOTHER!! NOT A BABY MAMA OR A MOMMA! i put my children before me so i am not about to leave them with just anybody because you want to hang out. i went thru too much bringing them into the world so they are my pride and joy. yes, they get on my last nerve sometimes but that's what they're supposed to do. my question to you is why would you want to hang with someone who says they are a mother and does that? my guess is you've never encountered a real MOTHER so you don't know the "code" that we live and in my case, die by. this is sad in a way because thís is what we have to look forward to future generations being taught. actually. it's more like sickening. ok. i'm done ranting...for now!

july is not my month

i'm having the worst start to my month that you can ever think of. so far i've disassociated myself with someone i thought would be cool to hang out with, locked a friends car up for dang near two days, broken my phone (i think it was defective to begin with) and last but not least, i've managed to lose a lump sum of money. not going to say how i lost it. let's just say a poor investment. yeah. we'll stick with that story. this way i don't feel bad at all. all this and i didn't even bring up the fact we had to celebrate my Mother's 53rd birthday without her. so here i sit not even mid-month thinking i need to just get away. i mean get away from it all. i contemplated sending my boys to their Father but quickly changed my mind when he didn't show up after pouring out his heart to divulge his innermost feelings regarding me and the boys. we seem to have this soap opera going on. he professes undying love for me and i tell him it's not fair of him to do that. he asks what? i tell him i'm cool as is. HELP US!!!

are we going thru this again?

i am not the nicest person in the world but i have recently made an attempt to uproot and plant a new tree (because it's gonna take more than me turning over a new leaf). this involved me being nicer to people making an attempt to join my "circle of trust" it was going well until i was actually challenged by this mission. i met someone and we started texting. two weeks into the texting-ship, he took off his mask and showed me his "Hyde" (pun intended). after not conversing for four days, he went completely out of the box and called me. what is wrong with him? doesn't he know i don't waste my unlimited minutes talking to people. and lucky for him, my phone was not doing that thing it does (sending everyone to voice mail when i accept a call). he gave the usual selective memory explanation. how is it you don't remember a full textersation that we had no more than a week prior? and you swear you don't erase any of your texts. so i ask if he let someone else (who he swears doesn't exist) have his phone and he says no. i ask if maybe he is single but some female considers him her boyfriend (you know how that goes) and of course his answer is "no" and proceed to tell me how you couldn't find your phone for the whole weekend. so how do i know it was even you who sent the texts to me and not some random chick who had your phone. you swear you don't remember the texts and they came from your phone. i don't have time for the nonsense so when you ask if we can go out and chill, i tell you "NO"
i don't understand (and damn sure not trying to figure out) why you insist on telling the untruth (not saying lies anymore. or at least trying not to) or your version of the truth. i'm not going to be mad at you if you have a woman because i'm not trying to put in an application for the position. even if i were, i would respect you more if you were honest with me. it just amazes me that men really believe a woman is dumb enough to fall for their bullshit.com and since i'm allergic to it, i can usually smell it a mile away.
i have come to the conclusion this new found "friendship" is coming to an end already. i'm not sad about this loss because it's definitely for the better. maybe it will help him see there are women out there who don't settle for just any guy who comes along (because i sure as hell don't). ok. i'm done griping. back to your regular scheduled program.

this is so not what i signed up for

i don't want to be your wife, your girlfriend, your sweetie, your anything. i just want to be your friend. we can hang out, grab a bite to eat, listen to music, or just chill. but i don't need you trying to put a label on it. we are just friends. i'm (S)tress (I)s (N)ow (G)one, (L)ife's (E)asier and loving it like whack arnold's. don't want or need you trying to make it more. i already have a husband lined up for my next lifetime so don't worry about putting in an application for that spot either. thank you and good night.

it's not halloween, why are you wearing a mask?

i'm not the type of person to let people in to my "circle" so easily, but recently i allowed myself to make a new friend. boy was i wrong for doing so. not even two weeks into the friendship, they start showing their true self. and i must admit, not a pretty picture. i guess since your first intention was to be more than a friend and i turned you down, you put up a facade in hopes that i would change my mind. uuuhh NO!!! for two weeks, we sent silly jokes to one another by text and now that you see i'm not giving in, you show your true colors. they're not bright at all. why can't people understand i'm single and i enjoy my status. i'm not trying to change it anytime soon. or later for that fact. i just want to enjoy my friends (who are the bee's knees) and go about my business. i don't want the extra added stress of worrying about someone else's moods and being careful of what i say because i don't want to hurt their feelings that day. screw that. i have enough moods of my own and can sometimes offend one of the voices in my head when i say the wrong thing. so what the fuck makes you think i want to be bothered with you and your issues as well? hold that thought, and take it somewhere else because i'm not going for it.
one good thing came about me dismissing this "new" character. i got in touch with my ex-husband from my next lifetime. and it of course started with a text. so maybe i'll see him this weekend. maybe i won't. we won't know until the time comes.

what you talkin bout willis?

last time i wrote, it was all about getting "private" calls from my least favorite mistake. just to prove how well i know him, i mentioned to my sister that in all those calls from that weekend, he wasn't going to pick up the phone on the 19th of the month to call and wish his son a Happy Birthday. boy, can i pick em. no call. no show. which explains why he was fired all those years ago. it amazes me (actually it doesn't. i just like the phrase) how people think their actions have no reactions. i'm not going to call them consequences because not everyone's actions are what you would consider bad. but in this case, your son doesn't know who you are and can barely pick you out of a crowd of two because of your actions. not to mention the fact he claims another man as his father. and that's all on his own. he's only six and already knows what you're about...absotively, posolutely NOTHING!!! i'm just glad my son's birthday went off without a hitch and i got one of the best night's sleep i've gotten in a while.
i just wanted to bring this up because you like to make it a point to tell people how you try so hard to be there and i won't let you.

i'm happy. why aren't you?

then again...i really don't fucking care. i don't understand why you just refuse to LIG (let it go for the "cool impaired"). you continually show up at my family's gatherings and stare me down like i'm going to gravitate to you if you stare at me long e-fucking-nuff.
this past friday (3 june 2011) was the birthday gathering for my sister and bro by law. i, of course, had to go to work and rush to get ready afterwards. things didn't go as planned (especially when i got the call from the brother-person that he was bringing his homie along) and i was ready to just say fuck it and not go. but i wasn't about to let this mutha fucka stop me from enjoying my four day weekend. i figured the bitch wouldn't say anything to me because i had every intention of hanging by boo thang's side for the night. unfortunately, his car was totalled earlier that day and he didn't come. bummer. so we get to the bar to find my baby sister and the other guest of honor were in route. i got upset again and was on the verge of not going in so i made a call (actually a text) to be rescued. the convo went like this:

"did you ride your baby to the workit job?"
"yup just got to the house what's up"
"this night fucking sux!!come rescue me!"
"where u at"

now that's what the fuck i'm talkin bout. gotta love a man who loves to cater to me. it didn't matter that he had no intention of coming to the party. the fact that he would drop anything for me means something (he's a keeper). so gold start for ED because you rock!! after him texting to say he's on his way, my friendgirl calls to say she's en route as well. debate. debate. debate. i'm gonna stay up here and just have him come in anyway. so he of course beats her and we sit in the parking lot waiting for my girl D to get there. while waiting, the brother-person pulls up with my mortal enemy in tow. i made an attempt at letting him know D was coming since he was under the impression she wasn't which meant i had to go around mr wrong. i got my opportunity to give him the heads up when the maggotsack walked towards the entrance to the bar. i had ED pull up to my brother's car and told him what was going on. he smiled and walked off. by this time, mr. wrong made his way back towards us and saw that it was me in the car. there it was. the look. you know the one that the think is going to bore a hole into your flesh. too bad it didn't work. so D pulls up and i do a quick wardrobe change and head into the club. ED decided to stay behind and just wait for me to come out. for the brief time i was in there dancing with my girls and my brother, i could feel his eyes on me like i was his dinner or something. not the case. dude. what the fuck? say hi. bark. do something. party winding down and i sneak off to say my goodbyes to a few of the guests. i make my way outside and get my purse out of my sister's car so that i can go. i'm headed back to the car after being called by someone (still don't know what chick called me) and mr wrong pulls me to the side. he proceeds to ask me why i didn't tell him about my oldest son graduating and then brings up the fact ED and i are in an Audi. like what the fuck does that have to do with the price of tea in china? or better yet, what does it have to do with YOUR SON? so then he gets to talking about how he should go get his A8 and shit all over "dude's car" for the record, if you had an A-anything, you wouldn't have hesitated to bring the mutha fucka out because that's how you are. you're a flashy type nigga and everybody knows that. so go somewhere with that nonsense. and then it was all about how he doesn't come see his son because i have a restraining order against him. uuuhhh NO!!! i've never needed the law to restrain your ass when i can do the shit my damn self. you have me confused with some other chick. so i told him this. then i asked why i am even talking to him when he acts like he doesn't know how to talk to people and going around bad mouthing me to anyone who will half way listen.
of course it was "i never say anything bad about you" and i just look at him because we all know that's a bold face lie. if you are lying on me or not telling the full story about what went down with us, then you are bad mouthing me. i proceed to walk off and he pulls his classic line "if you ever loved me, then you'll stand here and talk to me" i almost fucking choked for real. this coming from the man who claims we were never in a relationship but you ride around showing people the house we lived in together as a couple. are you fucking kidding me? i respond that i shouldn't waste my time talking to someone who tells people we were never together. so how do you come back from that? by again mentioning the car i'm about to ride off in. you still have yet to ask me how your son is doing.
i walked away as my brother was coming over to retrieve his friend and hopped in the car with ED so that i could finish my night on a good note. no such luck. this mutha fucka called me all weekend long private. he started at six that morning and would only call in the middle of the night. i eventually powered my phone down last night because he refused to stop calling even after i answered and asked him what he wanted. and that's unusual for me because i don't usually answer blocked calls.
but that was my madness for this weekend. i'm off for one more day and i plan to sleep well tonight, think i may even go for a ride on the bike since i like to go fast!!!

still hurting

22 may 2011 marked the four year anniversary of my Mother passing on. i realized earlier today when i was cleaning out my inbox on my phone that a good friend of mine has the same last four digits of their phone number that my Mother had (and me sometimes when i took her phone) and i wanted to cry. i didn't because i was in the car on my way to the workit job. they already think i'm crazy and i have no intentions of letting them in on the well known secret that i'm certifiable. so i called myself sucking it up and my phone went off. i got a text message from another fantastic friend of mine asking "where u at?" and was sad to reply, "work" (i even added *pouting* for effect). so i sat at work all day bored out of my mind wondering if my friend remembered what sunday was and if he was somehow trying to console me but even if he forgot (which i doubt), he made me feel better with a simple text because i could only imagine what was in store for me had i not been at work.

i finished a book that i had been working on and was able to actually exhale when i was done. the recipient was very grateful and it only made me realize why i gave it to her in the first place. my friend luz is beyond awesome (she's one of the few people i consider a friend, remember) and i bought a book from hallmark that i was able to personalize. one of the entries that i wrote a month ago confirmed why i cherish her so much. she reminds me so much of my own Mother the way she doesn't judge me despite knowing so much about me. she offers her opinion in a non-invasive way and that only makes me cherish her even more.

so i want to take this opportunity to thank the two of you for taking the sting off the hurt i'm feeling over losing my first best friend. i heart you both to pieces.

i love music

i received "boomerang" as a gift recently and have always loved this sensual remix of the song. toni braxton is in my list of faves

my awesome stepson

i am not one who trusts easy. that is due mainly to a long term relationship with someone who repeatedly hurt me followed by another relationship with someone who knew all of the hurts i experienced with that person and they tried the same things. i'm not dwelling on those situations. i just want you to understand why i feel the way i do about relationships. i have no problem meeting new people but i have a tendency of shutting down when someone tries to get close to me.
i have a really good friend who i also like to think of as my "stepson" because i joke all the time about stealing his Father from his Mother. he came to visit me yesterday after working on his car. he knows how much i love the smell of grease. don't judge me. but we had a nice conversation and after he left, i felt so good. talking to him always makes me feel better no matter what we talk about. past conversations have mainly been about my ex but we eased away from those and talked mostly about cars. he's one of the few people who are in my :circle of trust" and i'm so glad to have him in my life. not like he'll ever read this, but i just want to say thank you for making my week end on a high note.

i can't wait to hate you

you are something else. you know that? how do i get you out of my system? i guess i don't since i feel like i'm cheating on you when someone treats me to a night out. what was i supposed to do? turn down my long time friend because of someone i'm not with? this guy is different because he likes me. he really likes me and has for quite some time. he read a status of mine on ye olde book and came to my rescue. he made me laugh and forget all about the crap i griped about on the book. and he fed me.
so why did i feel bad? after he left and i went to pick up my ex Mother by law, i sat up recapping the evening and sent him a thank you text. it hit me that you used to be the person i sent thank you texts to and that's what made me feel bad. so you call today after i say i'm done with you and i'm right back where i started. why can't i just hate you and get it over with? we'll see if you do a better job at being the old you like you said you would because you apparently miss me (so you say).

here we go again

i don't have a title for my thoughts so there you have it. today i woke up in an awesome mood and it didn't matter one bit that i'm still hoarse and now have a cold. what's that all about? well on to why i'm so at ease today.
i got a text last night just saying "i really appreciate you" and that just made me feel like i was walking on the clouds. it's certain people that i get a thrill out of talking to but just hearing their ringtone telling me they're texting puts a smile on my face. the person who appreciates me just for being me is one of those people. i just wish i knew what prompted the text. i asked if everything was ok and was told everything is good (which i was glad to hear) but i'm still concerned. ok. i'm done bragging about being appreciated. back to your regular scheduled programs.

just as i was celebrating my victory...

...you come along and snatch away my damn trophy. how dare you? and at 6:43 a.m. in the morning.fortunately i was finally dozing off and my phone was on "silent" so i didn't get the message right away. then you tell me i sound sad. how the hell can you tell that from a text? i'm not sad! i'm just so fucking tired all the time and you don't get it. i feel like a fool for missing your friendship and an even bigger fool for telling you this. you apologize for being so distant and ask what you can do to make it up to me and my response is there is nothing to make up. but we all know there is and i'm gonna blow my top at you one day to let you know because that's what i do and then you're really gonna stop communicating with me. then again, maybe you won't. you always come back. after all these years, you still care enough to try to make it up to me. thanx for being you because you freakin rock. man i wanted to be so mad at you but i can't stay mad at you. what's that all about? i'm going to bed...i think.

untitled #1

i'm laying here listening to the rain wishing i could go to sleep but my mind won't cooperate at all. and i seem to have lost my voice. i joked with a friendgirl of mine and told her i would be mean to call edward and torture him by holding a conversation while i'm hoarse since it's such a turn on for him to hear me like this. but i don't have it in me to be mean today. i don't know how i want to feel.
i called myself celebrating a minor victory regarding someone today. it's crazy to say i have gone a whole eight days without communication with someone that i thought i would talk to for the rest of my life. i keep telling myself that i won't miss them but i know that's a lie. there's always something there to bring my thoughts right back to them. but i do believe this is for the better. we'll see how it works out. in the meantime, i'm just going to continue to focus on my book and two other goals i have set for myself. i'll keep you posted.

hate to say i told you so...

...then again, no i don't!!!

i just can't stand the audacity of some people. how do you meet someone who has two kids by two different people (and they don't see either child) and let them convince you they were the victim? personally i would make common sense "common" and deduce that person as the problem in the equation. but unfortunately everyone wasn't graced with that loverly (yes, i wrote loverly and not lovely) gift. maybe they traded it for their degree (that they love to brag about)when the rest of us went about the old fashioned way and studied our way through college.
usually in these cases they base their opinions on the other party(ies) on the misinformation you received from the "innocent" victim and in the long (or short) run, you end up just another "story" being told by the "victim" of how they were mistreated. so now they are trying to get out of their "situation" with the "victim" but they are so far in, it's going to be harder than just saying "it's over" and packing up and leaving.
i'm not saying that i have made the best choices in "love" but damn, some things are just as transparent as glass.

you say

you want to know everything there is to know about me from my shoe size to the number of gray hairs on the top of my head. i say all you have to do is ask. you say you gotta love my two sided logic and how i don't answer a question yes or no. i say i don't "no" about all that. you say you'll wait for me until 2019. i say we'll see about that. you say you wonder if you even matter to me. i say...

I'm writing about you.

being an april fool

april 5th is my baby girl's birthday but the day wasn't all that great for me. i woke up in an awesome mood (much thanx to my successful date on the 3rd and my awesome friend). i decided to send out a good morning text just to be nice. well one of my intended recipients insignificant other decided to make it their business to reply to my attempt at being nice. first of all, the message was intended for someone else. secondly, you shut your mouth when i let you know i know where you live. i just despise people who are all tough over the internet and phone but don't utter a word when you are in their presence. now this is the same person who sat two feet from me while i talked on my phone about their trifling ass and refused to look in my direction. so get your scary ass out of here. and in the end the intended recipient called me to apologize for me having to be inconvenienced due to your stupidity. ok. i'm done.

did you just curse at me like that?

i was just asked if i'm planning on settling down and i almost choked on the thought. i couldn't figure out what would make someone think this when i am so content with my status as it stands. i was told that i referred to someone as the future Mr and it occurred to me that i had when i last posted. i haven't even told the old Mr that i no longer refer to him as the Mr (except those two times) so where do i get off acquiring a future Mr? well i'm pretty sure he knows so i don't need to throw a party or anything to get the word out. as i sat trying to rationalize the situation to the inner voices, i eventually gave up because i know how i can get.
but enough about my dear friend "cursing" at me. i have a concert to go to this weekend and i am having the hardest time figuring out what to wear. it's not like i'm going to meet Will Smith so what does it matter. i'm going to a comedy show and i guess jeans will do. i say that now and come tomorrow, i'm going to change my mind and wear a dress. who knows? i'll just open my closet and whatever jumps out at me, that's what i'll wear. so now that we have the clothes crisis abated, what to do with my hair. i'm thinking of cutting it some more and leaving it at that. guess i'd better figure it out before my hair appointment on sunday.
ok. i'm gonna get back to writing before my creative juices are drained.

a title? really?

she's here B.K.S. and fortunately she arrived a week earlier than expected. 23 March 2011 and i am ok with that. hell i have no choice. that's all i am going to say about that one.
i've been off work for five weeks now and i'm still not excited to go back. i got my UPS package regarding the new shift selection and it all seems like pure dee bullshit at this point. some days i have the urge to go back (usually when my kids are closing in on me) and there are days when i think of going back and my body just doesn't want to cooperate. i usually ask the air "why are you not being a team player?" and go right back to sleep. then there are days when i am like the energizer bunny and can't stop cleaning. but hopefully i'll go back within the next few weeks.
i was able to get out of the house a few times during this stay-cation. i went to a janet jackson concert and this weekend i'm going to see kevin hart. i was talking to a dear friend of mine and he said "for you to be a homebody, you sure go out a lot. front row seats to alicia keys, janet jackson, kevin hart. now a cruise. what's that all about?" i just figured i would enjoy myself as much as possible before i decide to put a label on myself and get into a relationship. and i doubt that will be anytime in the near future. i'm having too good of a time.
i get to go back to atlanta with one of my friend girls at the end of april because my previous trip wasn't all that fun due to it being last minute. i'm supposed to go to vegas to finally meet the wife and sons of one of my oldest and dearest friends. think i'm gonna do that in november or late october so that i can take my twin along and show her a good time for her birthday.
so i'm sitting up in the middle of the night multi-tasking (writing, tweeting, texting, talking, messaging on da book) and i'm at a loss for words so i ask the future Mr. and he doesn't have anything to contribute. i decide to tell him that i'm going to talk about him in my blog. so that was me talking about you in my blog. hope you enjoyed the shout out.
while we're on the subject of me writing, everyone give me a round of applause for getting my act together and getting this book under way. how you like them green apples? momma's on a roll and she's lovin it. i was a little distracted and hit a major "writer's block" for a while but i had some motivation from two awesome freakin individuals. so thank you both.
i really wanteed to make this entry all about BKS but i will save that for another day. in the mean time between time, i'm gonna get my hindquarters in the bed and stare at the ceiling until i fall asleep.

caution: heavily medicated for your protection

being sick is the "pits" and yesterday was one of those days i was forced to take the pain meds that my doctor prescribed. the thing is they do nothing for the pain, and in most instances, makes my brain go into hyper-drive until i fall asleep. well yesterday after taking my meds, i apparently got calls and texts from numerous people and i didn't remember any of them until i was going thru my missed alerts, which included texts from people i don't speak to on a regular basis. seeing this made me want to check my log of all of my interactions and there were of course calls from people that i speak to on the regular (just don't know what i said). the text messages i sent are what bothered me more than anything. i did everything from tell someone i miss them to telling someone else that i despise them and then there's confessing undying love to someone else. i felt like pouring all of the pills down the toilet after reading the madness. i am still trying to figure out how to go about "saving face." any ideas?

do i really need a title?

since i have been up for nearly an hour, i figured i would clear my head. i have been wondering why i am going thru this needy stage for the past month or so and i came to the conclusion that i am out of my mind. i wouldn't say "out" of it so much as not using it to its full potential. i haven't been feeling all that great as far as my kidney goes and everytime i get really sick, i start to turn into a thinking box. don't ask my why because when i am sick, i just lose all sense of creativity and don't feel like using my brain at all. so i'm sitting here wondering why i am up at these stupid hours every night when it hits me that a) the hour isn't stupid because somewhere, someone is doing something productive and 2) this is the time that i should be clearing my head. plus this is when i wake to find two extra bodies in my bed and what better time to make sure everyone is comfortable than an hour before i'm scheduled to wake up for the workit job. gives me time to stare at the ceiling and make plans.

talking to myself

i was sitting in my room the other day ordering tickets for a comedy show and out of nowhere i said, "i miss you." then i sat there to ponder why i said it. i realized i miss being friends with the Mr. and started to call him up and tell him. guess he had me on his mind and decided to call me. i knew it was him before i answered (gotta love everyone having their own ringtone) and answered the phone sounding so cliché. "i was just thinking of you" and caught myself before i could say anymore. he of course responded "yeah right" and we continued with our conversation which i seem to forget what it was about. isn't it wacky how we can miss something about someone but they seem to disappear from our thoughts just as quickly as they entered? i later chalked up my 'missing you' thought to the fact that i was ordering tickets to see a comedian he and i always used to quote lines from. and that's what i told myself "out loud" so that i wouldn't sit and over-analyze the outburst any further.

Jazmine Sullivan Feat. Ne-Yo - U Get On My Nerves

this song says so much. just the chorus is enough for me. kinda reminds me of a few fuckboys i knew in a former life.

free write

in college we had to do "free writes" for five minutes at the start of class and i always enjoyed reading all that i wrote without thinking about it. i mainly wrote of my upcoming nuptials (which didn't happen) and how my little baby boy was growing so big. that was many many many moons ago because my baby is now a teen and marriage is the last thing on my mind. a friend of mine seemed to have gotten upset (or annoyed) when i stated my desire to never get married. i know the evil things i've done to the boyfriends i've had who have let me down so i can only imagine what i would do to my "husband" if he let me down. it's not that i go into a situation expecting it...it just seems to happen. so i am then forced to bring out my evil side and act an ass. and it seems these days no one believes in the sanctity of marriage. you've got people quick to leave their mate at the drop of a hat. then there are those who are still married and go off to start families elsewhere. or you have those that don't even act like they're married and continue to sow their oats anywhere that someone will let them. not that i'm judging anyone...to each his own. i just realized marriage is not for me but everyone else (except my exes) seem to think i'm so right for it. oh well. guess i will never find out.
well the reason i'm writing about marriage now is because it seems this year everyone is taking that leap. i wish them all the luck (hell. i'll even buy them something off their registry) but i just can't do it. i came to the conclusion a long time ago that if i kick you out of the "circle of trust" i can't let you back in. tried doing that only to be misused and mistreated. so i will continue to be the mother of three, wife of none (just the way i like it).